John Shore

Archive for the ‘World’ Category

Hello, Students at the Kazakhstan Institute of Management, Economics and Strategic Research!

In Travel, World, technology on January 24, 2008 at 2:30 pm

Hello, students at the Kazakhstan Institute of Management, Economics and Strategic Research! Your teacher (whose name I do not know, but on my blog she uses the intriguing screen name of “Kazakhnomad”) asked me to write to you.

My name is John Shore. I make a living writing books. Writing is a great way to make a living, because it means you get to sit on your rear end all day. I live in the city of San Diego. If you are driving south in the American state of California, San Diego is the last city you hit before driving into Mexico. The immigration point between San Diego and Mexico is the world’s busiest land border crossing. That means lots of Mexicans live in San Diego, which is wonderful. It is wrong to stereotype people, but I think Mexicans must be the kindest people in the world.

I am writing to you because your teacher said that some of you are hesitant about writing about yourself and/or your life. I would like to encourage you to overcome that hesitancy, and do it. It would be impossible for me to communicate to you how happy and eager Americans would be to learn whatever they could about you and your life. I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not (though I’m guessing you just might be), but as a general rule Americans are not very knowledgeable about people and cultures in other parts of the world. It is not because we are not interested in people and cultures in other parts of the world. We totally are. It’s just that we tend to be extremely busy, mostly because we work a lot. (Say what you will about Americans, but we work like crazy.) Plus, we go to the movies quite a bit. We also play a lot of video games. And eat — Americans are huge on eating (which is why we ourselves tend to be huge — but that’s another story.) So all that takes a lot of time.

Please write about your lives, so that we can learn about you and whatever you want to write about. I personally am intensely interested in virtually anything you would have to say, because (as far as I know), I’ve never known anyone who even knew anyone who knew anyone from Kazakhstan. I am now officially fascinated by Kazakhstan. I want to know what you ate for dinner last night, and how typical a meal it was. (See? We’re always thinking about food!) I want to know what kind of house you live in. I want to know what your father and/or mother does for a living. I want to know what you do or want to do for a living. I’m veryeager to learn what it is you’re learning about at the Kazakhstan Insitute of Management, Economics and Strategic Research. Do you have to pay money to study at the KIMESR? Is it free? Does the government pay for you to go there? Did you have to qualifyin any way to attend the KIMESR? How far away from the school do you live? How do you get to the school? Car? Bike? Bus? Walk?

Please start a blog, so that we can all learn about you and your life in Kazakhstan. (I personally like blogging with www.wordpress.com. It’s great — and free!) I’m begging you to start the blog I know your teacher would like to see you write on. I promise you that we here in America are dying to know what life is like in a place as mysterious and foreign to us as Kazakhstan. You probably think your life is boring. But that’s normal; everyone thinks their life is boring. But it is a odd fact of human nature that even though everyone thinks their own life is pretty dull, everyone is still intensely interested in the lives of other people. And you better believe that here in America lots and lots of people will be interested in you, since you are from the exotic, distant land Kazakhstan. As far as we’re concerned, there is simply no way for you not to be interesting.

And please, please, please do not be shy about the quality of your written English. You should know, in fact, that most everyone here in America has trouble writing correctly, and I’m not kidding. English is infinitely confusing. We know that. And we all know we know that, too. So when we write, we just try to do our best, and hope that whomever reads what we wrote will at least understand the general idea of whatever we were trying to say.

Besides, it’s not like we know how to write in your language. As I say, most of us can barely handle English. If you even try to write in English, we will be so deeply impressed by you that … well, that we just might try our hand at writing something in your language.

What is your language, by the way? What do you speak, and read, and think, and dream in?

You see? We (or at least I) am totally ignorant about Kazakhstan. This is an abysmal, embarassing fact that you can help correct. Do! Please help me, and other interested people in the world, learn what we can about you. Share with us your thoughts, your ideas, your convictions, your beliefs, understandings, perspectives, processes, habits, aspirations. Tell us what you do for fun on the weekends. Tell us about what religion you practice — or why you practice no religion. Tell us about the last date you went on. Tell us if you have a pet. Tell us anything.

Just start writing. Do not worry about your English grammar, or any of that nonsense. Just do your best. We’ll fill in the blanks or awkward spots. We’ll know what you mean. And if not, we’ll ask you what you meant.

They say it’s a small world. I, for one, would be grateful if you’d help make it smaller.

What? Me, Mediocre?

In Family, World on November 26, 2007 at 1:08 pm

Hello, all! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

So my wife Cat has this week off. Fun! Though, alas, it has made me a Blogger Lagger.

So, to catch up. Below is a bit of a posting I began last week that I can tell I won’t finish this. Here’s as far as I got on a piece I was going to call “Top 10 Reasons I Like Being A Guy”:

So I’ve received a few letters from people who took my last few posts (Six Tests to Determine If He’s Mr. Right ,To Single Women: Men. Don’t. Change, and Men Are Spoiled) as evidence that I don’t like men. But those writers are sadly moronic mistaken. How could I not like men? I am a man! I love men!

Wait. I love being a man, is what I meant.

Oh, honestly. I can’t take you people anywhere.

Anyway, here are my “Top 10 Reasons Why I Love Being A Guy.”

1. Never having to give birth. Pretty much my favorite thing about being a guy — heck, one of my favorite things about life — is knowing that I will never have to use my body to host and grow someone else’s body. Not that doing so isn’t a sublimely wonderful experience; I know it is! But clearly God understood that no person who looks anything at all like me should ever, ever go grocery shopping in maternity clothes. Which once again proves that God knows what he’s doing.

2. Built-in outdoor plumbing. I have yet to stop being extremely happy about having built-in outdoor plumbing with me wherever I go. Women are pretty stuck having to use public restrooms — but to a guy, the whole world is a public restroom. Or any part of the world with a bush on it is, anyway. Or any plant at all, really. Actually, as long as gravity is working, any guy is pretty good to go. None of us knows the mind of God, of course, but if I had to guess, I’d say that God designed man the way he did because he knew the pleasure it would one day bring him to hear people saying the word “zipper.”

And that’s as far as I got. My other reasons were going to be Sophomoric Humor, Make More Money, Don’t Have to be Emotionally Complex, Minimal Grooming Required, Allowed to be Stupid, Can Move Things, Get to be Intimidating … and … that is as far as I got.

Gender-differences humor. It’s so … stupid. Anyway, I can tell that’s as far as I’ll ever get with that piece. If anyone out there would care to pick up where I left off by either expanding upon or adding to my Top 10 Reasons It’s Good To Be Male Guy, that would be loverly.

Let’s see … what else? Oh! Check this out! Remember my Fortune Cookie of Doom — the one I wrote about in “My Terrible Fortune“? Well, two nights ago Cat and I went out for Chinese food again, and as much as I know this has got to sound like I’m lying, I swear this is what my fortune said this time:

“It could be better, but it’s good enough.”

Cat goes, “Wow. I’d say someone wants you to come to terms with your mediocrity.”

So I let her walk home.

No, but … what … how … is there? … when … ??!! Well, I give up. First I’ll experience small success, then whatever it is is “good enough.”

That’s it for me. No more Chinese food. From now on I’m strictly a pizza boy. Life is hard enough without the spirit of Buddah constantly sapping my motivation.

Let’s see. What else? Oh! Two nights ago Cat and I wandered into a Circuit City (since I wanted to buy for myself a DVD of A Charlie Brown Christmas, since … since now I know I am Charlie Brown), and we found them selling DVD’s for prices so low it definitely changed our evening. We brought these for $14.99 each: season 1 of Ugly Betty, seasons 3, 4 and 5 of 24; seasons 2 and 3 of West Wing, and seasons 6, 7 and 8 of Seinfeld. For $7 each I also bought Talladega Nights, Blades of Glory, Knocked Up, and Little Miss Sunshine (the last two of which are pretty much my favorite movies ever, ever, ever).

Can you believe it? Ugly Betty for $15!!

Man, I love this country.

Call me mediocre. Hrrumph. When I’ve got all this TV to watch?? I don’t think so!

Okay, I’ll stop boring you now.

Oh, wait! Check out this email Rich Lederer and I got last week about our book Comma Sense:

Dear Sirs,

Again, please allow me to express my gratitude and thanks for a great book and an essential piece to my repertoire. I wish you the best and have an especially great Thanksgiving.  Mr. Basim [?] and I appreciate the answer to our punctuation problem, and look forward to learning more from Comma Sense as we read it again and refer to it often.  Just on a side note; we have shared it with several friends, and it has become a staple and common piece of reference for us here in Baghdad.  Best wishes.

Sincerely, 
Thomas Dillingham (TJ)
Operations Coordinator
KBR, Inc.
Iraq

So there it is. I’ve co-written a book that’s helping to ensure that our people in Iraq are never confused about the proper American use of punctuation marks. Sweet!

Okay, now I’ll stop boring you. For now.