John Shore

Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Is It Wrong For Me to Hang This (Signed!) Painting by Muhammad Ali in My House?

In Religion, Sports on July 23, 2008 at 8:17 pm

 

One time, in the desert town of Antelope Valley, California, I was at this silent auction fundraiser thing for a charity, and was so struck by the (28 x 24 inch) painting above that I took the leap and bid $80.00 for it. I thought it was a picture of some nuns and one man heading towards some sort of church or holy building. No one else leapt behind me; the picture was mine. When I went to pay for it afterwards, the auction people said, “How cool that you got this painting done by Muhammad Ali!”

That’s when I learned my new painting had been done (and signed!) by none other than The Champ himself. Who knew The Greatest could paint? And judging from this picture, I know, not many would think it still. But I like it. It’s driven by a fresh, elemental, playful power that I find moving.

Not unlike its painter! (Oh: the white spot on the picture is just glare from my flash. Who am I, Cartier-Bresson?)

Some 15 years after acquring this picture I became a Christian. Then I wondered if it was right for me to leave hanging in my house art that I had come to understand was distinctly Muslimish. I sort of fundamentally reject incorporating into my evaluation of a work of art its subject matter or explicit “message”; I’m interested in the aesthetics of a piece, and not much else. Still, I didn’t want God to ever say to me, “Great having you on board, Johnny! Too bad we have to send you to hell now because you’re too stupid to know you shouldn’t hang Enemy Art on your walls.”

But then I thought, “Enemy art. That’s so stupid. Islam isn’t the enemy of Christianity. Evil is the enemy of Christianity.”

But then I thought, “Yeah, but a lot of Christians do  think Islam is the enemy of Christianity. And you’re a new Christian—what do you know? And historically, Islam and Christianity haven’t exactly gotten along like the blood brothers I think they actually are. A lot of Christians think Islam is evil, ya’ know.”

Then I thought, “Remember that fight between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman? I love George Foreman. The Rumble in the Jungle! Man, Don King was a pain.”

And then I heard a bell ding. ”Wow!” I thought. “Just like in a fight!” Except instead of the next round, this bell meant the chocolate-chip cookies I had in the oven were ready. So then I started thinking less about world theology and history, and more about eating freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies.

Anyway, up there’s my painting done and signed by Muhammad Ali. Blasphemous Imagry, Excellent Painting Done by One of the World’s All-Time Greatest Athletes, or Not A Bad Way To Promote World Peace? You be the judge!  I’d do it, but I’m late picking my wife up from work.

 

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Soul to Sole

In Sports on April 18, 2008 at 6:31 pm

For those kind enough to inquire as to what shoes I now favor, below are Shoe Cheesecake Shots of my current athletic shoe wear. (Shoeweare? Shoeware? Showwear? Showbiz? Whatever.) I bought them two months ago, for about $80. I wear them to the gym four or five times a week, which causes me increasing anguish, because in my personal and private Shoe Hall of Fame, these bad boys rank #1 in both style and comfort, which means the thought of wearing them out and not having them anymore brings me mild but persistant anxiety. I like these retro-boss shoes like I’ve liked few shoes in my life, and (as those of you who read my last post, A Painful Memory know), I tend to serioulsy dig my shoes.

Anyway, these are my current tootsie tuxedos. I love the way they basically look like bowling shoes. According to their Tongue Tag, they’re Air Max 360’s, model #315380-461.

Here we see them looking unabashedly coy, yet distinctly obscene.

 

 

Okay, this is just wrong.

 

This is how my shoes would look to you if we were standing face to face chatting, and you looked down at my feet, and me and everything else I was wearing was invisible. And you were about 4′ 9″.

 

I Was Asked To Carry The Olympic Torch!

In Politics, Sports on April 10, 2008 at 4:52 pm

This morning at 2 a.m. my phone rang. A low, husky voice asked if I am who I am.

“Yeah, that’s me,” I said. “Who is this?”

“Mr. Shore,” he said, “I am a representative of the Zeus Torch company. Perhaps you’ve heard of us?”

“No. And why are you …”

“Mr. Shore, the Zeus Torch company is responsible for the safekeeping of the Olympic Torch as it makes its journey across America. I take it you’ve heard of the Olympic Torch?”

“Yeah, sure, I …”

“Mr. Shore, do you consider yourself a good American?”

“Yeah, I guess. Sure. But I don’t how that’s any of your …”

“Do you consider yourself a good citizen of the world, Mr. Shore?”

“You know, I do. See, I have a book coming out in Korea, and …”

“That’s great. And you like sports, don’t you Mr. Shore?”

“Well, sure, I …”

“You avidly watch every Olympics, don’t you?”

“Actually, the number of commercials they run now has kind of…”

“You used to play sports, didn’t you, Mr. Shore? You used to play Little League baseball, isn’t that right?”

“Well, yeah, I did. How do you …?”

“But you quit, didn’t you? Something about your head being too big for the caps?”

“That is not why I quit Little League. I quit because…”

“Wouldn’t you like to be back in the sports world again, Mr. Shore? Wouldn’t you like to recapture some of that glory that you left lying on that baseball diamond back in Cupertino, California?”

“Wait a minute. How did you …?”

“Mr. Shore?”

“What?”

“Your country needs you.”

“What?” 

“The world needs you.”

“What are you talking about? Why?”

“To carry the Olympic Torch.”

“What are you talking about?”

“As you’re no doubt aware, Mr. Shore, the Olympic torch has become a bit of a hot topic this year.”

“Hot topic! Good one! You know, I write humor for …”

“And because of that, the International Olympic Committee has hired Zeus Torch to ensure that the flame of the 2008 Olympic games continues its tour of America without incident. That’s where you come in, Mr. Shore.”

“It is?”

“It is. We want you to carry the torch when it comes through San Diego.”

“The Olympic torch isn’t coming through San Diego.”

“It is now, sir.”

“It is? Since when?”

“That’s classified. But believe me. It’s coming through San Diego.”

“And you want me to carry it.”

“That’s right.”

“When?!”

“This time tomorrow morning.”

“But it’s two in the morning!”

“Yes, sir. It’s a security precaution. As I say, we’ve had to vary some from the original plans.”

“You want me to carry the Olympic Torch.”

“Yes, sir.”

“At two in the morning.”

“For four blocks, yes sir.”

“Four blocks? How come for only four blocks?”

“That’s as long as we’d be able to ensure your safety, sir.”

“Four blocks?!  That’s it?”

“Yes sir. But rest assured that during those four blocks every possible means will be used to see to it that you and the Olympic flame remain completely protected at all times. You will be surrounded by four assaulted-resistant military vehicles. Those vehicles will in turn be surrounded by a phalanx of …”

“Wait. Did you say ‘phalanx’?”

“Yes.”

“I love that word.”

“I do too, sir — but that’s beside the point. You will be surrounded by a … company of armed security personnel, each handpicked straight from the Green Zone in Iraq.”

“Oh, great. Like that’s gonna…”

“Three military helicopters will be directly overhead every step of your way.”

“Really? Wouldn’t the helicopter blades blow out the …”

“Snipers will be posted throughout the route.”

“Wow. Do my neighbors…”

“You yourself will be wearing three-inch thick, full-body Kevlar armor and a military-issue combat helmet.”

“Sounds heavy! But you know, I’ve been working out at the gym lately, and …”

“That’s great. Mr. Shore?”

“Yes?”

“Will you do it? Will you heed the call of the world’s foremost amateur sporting event? Will you take your place in Olympic history? In short: Are you in, Mr. Shore?”

“Um. Hmm. Can I think about it, and call you back?”

He didn’t sound too happy about it, but he said that I could.

I haven’t yet.

I don’t know. I can’t decide.