John Shore

Archive for June 2008

Why A Book Proposal Is Everything

In HowTo, Writing on June 30, 2008 at 12:13 pm

If you’re just joining us, see How To Write A Book Proposal, Part 1. Even though this post should be called, “How To Write A Book Proposal, Part 2,” I changed it to, “Why A Book Proposal Is Everything,” because … well, because ”why?” most naturally comes before “how”? Sorry for not thinking of that sooner.

There are three Major Reasons for which you have  to write and submit to your literary agent or publisher a book proposal instead of a finished manuscript. (And remember, we’re only talking about nonfiction books here, not fiction.) First, publishers don’t have time to read a 40,000-plus word manuscript. They don’t even have time to read anywhere near all the proposals that every agent in the world is sending them. (Which is why, as you climb up the publishing ladder, you want representing you an agent with whom publishers know, respect, and have previously worked, since a submission from such an agent automatically goes atop publishers’ Must Read stack.)

Proposal? 15,000 words. Whole manuscript? 45,000 words. Publishers’ time? Priceless.

A proposal it is, then.

Secondly, the quality of your book idea and the facility with which you write is one thing. But what really matters to a publisher — who after all has to make a living selling books – is how sellable your book is. Before a publisher commits the kind of money it takes to bring a book to market, it has to be as sure as it possibly can be that that book will sell. Determining that — figuring out how many people can reasonably be expected to buy your book, and why — entails considerable thought. That’s where you come in. That’s largely what a proposal is:  It’s your summation of all the reasons the publisher reading it can be safe betting that once your book is published the world will flock to it, and he or she will be rich and get a promotion and get to take the spouse and kids to Paris the following spring. 

A proposal is a sales document. It’s a pitch.  It’s everything an editor would need to know in order to boldly throw your proposal down on the table before the collected editorial, sales, and marketing people at his publishing house, and say with ringing confidence, “Here. I’ve got a winner. Praise me, ye underlings! Marvel yet again at my awesome perspicacity!”

Or, you know, whatever they might say.

Point is: Books are art. Art isn’t quantifiable. Money is. Publishers want to make money. A proposal is your best effort to show publishers that, artistic wonder or not, your book will  result in Mucho Incoming Cash.

Thirdly, publishers don’t want  you to have already finished your book before they get it. You know why? Because if there’s one thing of which publishers are confident, it’s that they know what makes for a good, sellable book. They want to participate  with you in the writing of your book. They want to help you make it the best book it can be.

You are, after all, just a writer. What in the world can you  be expected to know about writing a book?

It’s easy enough to be offended and/or disparaging about the degree to which publishers tend to assume a real kind of ownership of the text of the books they publish. And a lot of what they do in that regard is grounded in nothing more interesting than grunt arrogance: Editors and publishers are, after all, the gatekeepers to fame and fortune, and they know it, and … well, you know how people are. But it’s also more than fair to say that through long and hard experience, editors and publishers have learned that the most efficient way to create the best possible books is by working hand-in-hand with their authors. Especially given that most nonfiction authors aren’t primarily writers; they’re primarily experts in whatever it is they’re writing about. Most often nonfiction authors are glad  to benefit from the knowledge and expertise of their editor; they understand the value of that kind of input. So it’s all good. It’s just that if you’re new, you want to know, going in, that you’d do well to hold lightly the sense of proprietorship that most authors naturally feel toward their work. It’s your book until you sell it; after that, it belongs to you and the publisher, and no two ways about it.

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How To Write A Book Proposal, Part 1

In HowTo, Writing on June 28, 2008 at 3:45 pm

I just finished and sent to my agent a book proposal. So now I have book proposals on my mind.

How fascinating, I know.

Actually, because I am a very famous writer known far and wide throughout my apartment complex, people very often ask me why I’m staring into their window how to do a book proposal. And when they do I’m always kind of surprised, because wanting to get a book published and not knowing anything about book proposals is like wanting to be a dentist and not knowing anything about making people cry by drilling directly into their central nervous system.

So herewith is however much I’ll be able to cram in here about book proposals before my beautiful wife wakes up from her nap so that we can go food shopping so that we can wail and cry aloud in the dairy section over the fact that a gallon of milk now costs more than a whole live cow.

If you’re wanting a publisher to buy a non-fiction book you wrote, you have  to write a book proposal for that book. You have absolutely no choice about that. None. Zero. Trying to sell a book without a book proposal is like trying to stage Hamlet  without actors. You can try it, but people will first ridicule, then pity, then sic their dogs on you.

Important note: Book proposals are only for non-fiction books. If you want to write a book of fiction, you’re going to have to finish that whole book and then submit it for publication, unless you’re already such a famous fiction writer that there’s no way you’d be reading this. If you’re not sure about the difference between fiction and non-fiction, then you are James Frey, and I want to tell you that, honestly, I only read three pages of your book A Million Little Pieces before I literally threw it away, because it was that obvious you were lying. How it took Oprah and so many other people so long to discover that is yet another reason I despair for the entire human race.

Anyway, a book proposal is a document that, though Mondo Hefto indeed, is still a lot smaller than a whole book, which no one in publishing is going to want to take the time to read. It’s a blueprint of your book, a comprehensive overview of it. It’s everything a publisher would need to know about your book in order to decide if they want to risk their money publishing it.

It really is  a book proposal. It’s something you (through your agent) give to a publisher, by way of saying, ”Will you marry this book?”

Speaking of marriages, my wife is up! If anyone cares, I’ll continue this post at some point after the police have let us out of jail because they’ve realized that we’re not miscreants intent on disturbing the peace, but only simple, reasonable folk who, like themselves, can no longer afford food.

Next post: Why A Book Proposal is Everything.

 

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To Sex and Power, Add Constancy

In Christianity, Religion on June 26, 2008 at 9:34 am

I believe the most consistantly compelling motivation, the most determining factor in the human experience, is the fear of death. The core, most primary thing we know about being alive is that somewhere along the line we won’t be anymore. Everything we are, do, think and feel is necessarily founded upon and grounded within the terrible, brutal fact that we — or at least the we as we are now — are as temporary as temporary gets.

At some level, this abiding (if unconscious) surety of the tenuousness with which we own life instills a panic in us all. It makes us nervous, greedy, appetitive, angry, fearful.

Mostly, the underlying fear of imminent obliteration tends to trigger the Two Great Human Drives: the drive to sex (whether it be physical gratification or the desire to reproduce), and the drive to power.

Sex and power. That’s what makes our world go round. Those two things make all people — Christians, Muslims, atheists, basketweavers in Mongolia — absolutely bonkers. We want them. We crave them. We’re repelled by them. People are so driven one way or another by them that it … well, that it’s created the world around us, for one.

But I don’t think there are only two ways people primarily react to their innate fear of death. I think psychologists, theologians, and philosophers should add to the drives towards sex and power the drive toward constancy.  I think the desire for constancy — for permanence, changelessness, enduring equilibrium, unending stasis — is every bit as compelling, as motivating, as crazy-making, as informing a drive in people as is their desire for sex and power.

Everyone, all the time, imagines themselves in an absolute state of peace and contentment. When I’m out on my own. When I get that job. When I land that deal. When I’m famous, meet the right person, get married, have children, retire, get to heaven. The need to achieve a state of indissoluble contentment is forever before us, forever pulling us ahead, forever pushing us from behind. It’s what makes our personal  world go round.

I think our desire to finally achieve a state of immutable harmonious equilibrium is as compelling as is our drive to sex and our will to power.

I also think it’s one of the key reasons Christianity is so perfect. Christianity acknowledges that we can’t live in a state of absolute peace while here on earth (while at the same time, awesomely enough, providing us a means to get back  to a state of perfect and absolute grace before, just by being alive, we begin blowing it again). Moreover, Christianity promises us that when this life is over, we finally really will  get what for our whole lives we’ve longed for, which is is peace and joy unending.

 

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I’m Green Like Kermit

In Health, HowTo on June 24, 2008 at 5:19 pm

 

My Hero

I used to be a broke underachiever. Thank God those days are over. Now, instead, I’m green like Kermit.

I drive an old Ford Focus that I never wash or change the oil in. Whereas before this meant I was monetarily challenged and adverse to effort, now it means I’m a dedicated environmentalist.

I’ve always lived in compact, vertically stacked, densely-arranged residential units. Too poor to buy a house? Wrong. Habitatilly (I’m sure it’s a word) green.

When the choice is between steak and rice with beans, I always choose the rice with beans. Too broke to gnaw a bit o’ Bossy? Nah. Just green as Bossy’s dreams.

Just about everything I own, I bought at a thrift store. Not allowed in Bloomingdales — or like the thought of dales in bloom? You guessed it.

I’m not huge on grooming — I rarely shave, and take really fast showers. Am I someone with whom you’d be embarrassed to be seen in public? I don’t know. Depends on how you feel about murdering the earth!

Awesome.

Where once towards me you could be mean / You’d now have to admit: I’m green!

 

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I Just Made (At 50) My First Offer Ever On A House

In Business, Family on June 22, 2008 at 5:05 am

I’ve never owned a home. I’ve never really had any money to speak of, and there seems to be some sort of connection between the two. Plus, I hate yard work. When I was a kid, my dad was forever making me do yard work. I hated it so much that I swore one day I’d be too poor to afford property. That’d show him.

Anyway, there comes a moment in every person’s life when they realize they’re going to grow old and die freezing to death in a refrigerator box on the street if they don’t finally do something about the fact that they’re still living like someone who’s main concern in life is what kind of chips to buy for their kegger that night.

And that moment, in my own life, came about fifteen years ago. And I went, “Okay, that’s it. No more being poor. I’m gonnna become a WRITER!”

I know what you’re thinking: Stupid much?

Well yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

Anyway, for the First Time Ever, my wife Cat and I, as of this morning, are making an offer on a piece of Actual Real Estate — except there’s no land involved, since it’s a townhouse (being a three-story condo, don’t you know), which is located in a “planned community” (um: be afraid) called San Elijo Hills.

If you go to www.sanelijohills.com, you’ll read this nugget o’ sales copy:

“Just north of San Diego on the highest point in North County is a community designed with almost everything in mind … a walkable Towncenter planned with shopping and dining, brand new schools, 18 miles of trails, 1100 acres of open space, a regional park for hiking and horseback riding, a 19-acre community park with ball fields and play structures and homes of every size, shape and feel you can imagine.”

Horseback riding. Yeah. I’m sure Mr. Ed would be very happy living in one of our closets.

Anyway, there you have it. We’ve made an offer on a townhouse in San Elijo Hills.

I’ve been renting since I was sixteen. I’m now living in about the twenty-fifth apartment I’ve ever lived in.

What a trip, to … have to fix my own garbage disposal, or whatever.

To not know that at any moment someone with the power to evict me could turn his or her key to my front door, and walk on in.

And Finally: What McCain Supporters Look Like To Obama

In Politics, Science on June 19, 2008 at 8:10 am

Ineffectually threatening. Operates underground. Totally blind. Slings mud. Grabby. Extremely uncuddly. Probably the result of inbreeding.

(This, by the way, is a star-nosed mole. They can smell underwater, are impervious to weather, and are the fastest-eating mammals on the planet. Be afraid. Photo [and article here] by the great Kenneth Catania.)

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First Germany. Then Korea. Now PAKISTAN!

In Business, Politics on June 18, 2008 at 11:28 am

Remember my New Year’s Resolution to finally take over the world? (If not, see New Year’s Resolution #1: Take Over World.) You may have scoffed at my ambitions. Well, scoff while you can, monkey-person! Because while you’ve been lolling about, eating pizza, surfing the web, and wondering what the word “loll” actually means, I’ve been stealthily executing Plan A.

I knew it was only a matter of time before the major, international media outlet The Pakistan Spectator approached me for an interview. I had their questions answered and sent back to them before I’d finished that morning’s cup of coffee.

Hey: You snooze, you lose your chance at world domination. (And, in retrospect, I now see it’s best to wait until I’ve had coffee before doing any major online interviews. I know this knowledge will serve to make me an even wiser dictator.)

Read my interview with The Pakistani Spectator here – if you dare!

(Oh: the “First Germany. Then Korea.” thing refers to how one of my books — Penguins — has been translated into German and Korean. Another of my books, I’m OK-You’re Not, is also being translated into Korean.)

Now, on to some of the Canadian provinces!!

 

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More Fun With Animals: What Obama’s Supporters Look Like To McCain

In Politics, Science on June 17, 2008 at 6:37 am

How John McCain Sees Barack Obama

In Politics, Science on June 16, 2008 at 5:32 am

 

The above is a picture of:

A. How John Mcain Sees Barack Obama: lightweight, disconcertingly cute, easily squashable, just a shade too pale

B. The most adorable little thing ever to eat its way through your intestines

C. An axolotl, the best-known of the Mexican neotenic mole salamanders

D. Your brain on drugs

 

Related (as in Just As Stupid) posts: And Finally: What McCain Supporters Look Like To Obama,  What Obama’s Supporters Look Like to McCainHow Barack Obama Sees John McCainWhat Hillary Looks Like in Obama’s Dreams, What Obama Looks Like In Hillary’s Dreams.

 

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Happy Father’s Day! Or Not.

In Family, Religion on June 15, 2008 at 5:55 am

I’m not anti-Father’s Day, or anything like that. And (of course — what with having been born of one and all), I’m hardly anti-fathers.  My own father isn’t a bad guy. He’s never meant anyone any harm (and that’s actually Saying Something, isn’t it?) He worked hard every day to keep his family clothed, sheltered, and fed. Didn’t get high. Was never physically abusive. Didn’t sleep around.

Not a bad dad!

Had problems, yes. Had problems enough, in fact, to help drive my sister from our home when she was 15 years old, and me from our home soon after my 17th birthday. Over the next 25 years of my life, I saw my father maybe three times.

Then I suddenly became a Christian, and found myself feeling a lot more loving and emotionally generous toward everyone — including my dad. So I started writing him once a week.

And voila — a year later, he was inviting my wife and me out to his snazzy home on the east coast. So we went, and had a perfectly lovely time visiting with him and his wife.

Proof again that God heals all!

I do not, however, have warm and fuzzy feelings about Father’s Day. It’s just too late for that. I can’t conjure up memories I don’t have — and, sadly, the memories I do have (and I’ve got a freakishly good memory) don’t exactly scream Happy Days.

If Father’s Day makes you feel all warm and fuzzy towards your father — fantastic! Congratulations! A close relationship with one’s parents is surely one of God’s greatest blessings to any of us. You scored, for sure.

If Father’s Day doesn’t make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, though, trust that you are most definitely not alone.

I have a friend whose father’s idea of playing baseball with him was to sit in his car smoking and reading the paper while his son — my friend — threw a baseball into a mitt he’d propped up against a backstop.

I have a friend whose father regularly punished him by locking him in a dark closet for six, eight hours at a time.

I have a friend whose father, when she was a young girl, and while she watched, purposefully broke the backs of some abandoned kittens she’d rescued and was raising.

Okay? And these are the things I can print.

We all know what kinds of nightmares fathers and stepfathers can wreak upon the lives of those they choose to victimize.

Point is: If you’re someone for whom Father’s Day brings more pain than pleasure, take comfort in the fact that that’s true for a lot of other people, too — and, frankly, for a lot of people who won’t, or for whatever reason can’t, admit it to themselves.

And that you had a bad or less-than-ideal dad is okay, too. In the end, in fact, it means nothing whatsoever. Because each of us, no matter what sort of earthly family we were born into, is ultimately, unconditionally, and bounteously loved by the first, last, and greatest father of all.

 

Related posts: My Dad, My Book, and the 2008 San Diego Book Awards, and its follow-up, Connecting Flights

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