I hate to lob bad voodoo onto anything as great as going to heaven, but it occurs to me that if I ever do make it past the Pearly Gates, sometime between St. Peter saying, “That little cloud over there with the silver lining is yours” and everyone finally giving up on my ever learning how to play the harp, at least one of the following five people that I’ll meet in heaven will try to beat me up.

Steven K. When Steven K. and I were kids, I accidentally beat Steven up by executing upon him a judo flip that I was shocked to discover actually worked. But boy, did it ever. He hit the ground like a sack of cement dropped off a truck—and before it had begun, our fight was over. Steve went on to become a Major General in the Air Force. I went on to become someone who, generally, likes to force major air. He’s gonna beat me up when he sees me in heaven.

Bob V.’s dad. Bob V. was a friend of mine in junior and then high school. Bob V.’s dad had once been a professional football player. It was his heart’s desire that Bob, too, should become a professional athlete. But Bob V.’s dream was to become a dancer on Broadway. Because my father was an actor, I was able to help Bob V. enter the world that would eventually lead him to becoming (yes!) a dancer on Broadway. Bob’s dad always made it pretty clear that he hated me for helping Bob become a dancer instead of a football player. I hope when I meet Bob’s dad in heaven, he gives me a chance to explain myself before he body-blocks me.

Abraham Lincoln. In a post of mine called “Pick-Up Lines Of Famous Men In History,” I said that Abe Lincoln’s main pick-up line was probably, “I know when you look at me, all you see is my gargantuan nose, ears, lips, chin, cheekbones, and eyebrows. And my Amish beard. And my stovepipe hat. And my mournful expression. And my ill-fitting clothes. You know what? Forget it.” So I figure that’s worth at least one Honest Abe smack-down.

Brian Q. When I was a kid, my best friend Jerry had a brother, Brian, who was as mean as a bagged badger. So one day I tied a piece of wire to some trees on either side of a bike path, and then encouraged Jerry to taunt Brian in such a way as to ensure that (ever predictable) Brian would ride his bike full-speed across the wire. Talk about a plan that worked: five inches higher, and ol’ Brian would have lost his head. While he lay dazed and nearly unconscious on his back, I stood over Brian and said as menacingly as I could, “Stop pounding on Jerry all the time. Or fear riding your bike from now on. I’ve got lots of wire.” It worked! Brian quit beating up Jerry! I’m pretty sure he’ll try to beat me up in heaven, though. Except, wait! Harps have wires! So never mind. I’m good.

Master Han. Master Han used to be my Tae-Kwon-Do teacher. If MH really liked you, his way of saying hello was basically to start beating you up. Master Han really liked me. And I know he’ll make it into heaven. So I know one day I’ll be happily floating around when, suddenly, I’ll get kicked in the spleen. It sure will be worth it, though, to see ol’ Master Han again.