John Shore

Archive for April 2008

Adam and Eve: The Day After

In Christianity, Humor, Religion on April 30, 2008 at 6:58 am

Adam: I sure wish we hadn’t eaten that apple. That was dumb.

Eve: Really? Ya’ think?

Adam: Where are we?

Eve: I dunno. I know where we’re NOT.

[both together, dreamily]: Paradise.

Adam: Paradise! I miss it! I want back there so bad!

Eve: Me, too. Maybe if we begged him to let us back in.

Adam: I don’t know, man. Even though I’m new at … well, being alive, I guess, I HATE begging. Something about it.

Eve: Really? I’ve seen you beg. You’re quite good at it.

Adam [blushing]: Well, that was different.

Eve: Sure was for me.

Adam: Let’s do it again.

Eve: Will you stop? We’ve got real problems here.

Adam: I know. But what can we do?

Eve: Well, maybe if we just asked him to let us back in.

Adam: I don’t think it would work. That was one angry control freak.

Eve: Don’t say that! You know he’s still watching us.

Adam: I don’t care. What’s he going to do to us? Banish us some MORE?

Eve: He still loves us.

Adam: Maybe.

Eve: I think maybe if we just asked him …

Adam: I don’t. He was seriously ticked.

Eve: He really was. I was, like, ”Have a COW about it, why don’t ya’?”

Adam: I know. I LOVED it when you said that!

Eve: He didn’t.

Adam: He has no sense of humor.

Eve: No kidding. Look at this place. What IS this stuff?

Adam: Who knows? We can call it anything. It’s not like HE’S already got a name for it. I had to name everything! I can’t believe I spent all that time coming up with names like ”aardvark,” and ”koala.” And now all those guys are in there, and we’re stuck out HERE.

Eve: That koala is so cute.

Adam: He so totally is. Except for his claws are like … like … what’s the big nose part of that one crazy looking bird? The big black one, with the colorful … nose thing?

Eve: Oh, right! The … toucan!

Adam: Yeah, the toucan. The koala had claws as big as the toucan’s nose thing.

Eve: “Toucan.” What a great word. You’re a genius.

Adam: Thanks. You’d think he’d appreciate it just a LITTLE, wouldn’t you?

Eve: I’m sure he does.

Adam: Really? You think this shows a lot of appreciation? I’m glad he’s not MORE appreciative of us. Who knows what he would have done to us then? Put us on the … what’s that thing called again?

Eve: The moon?

Adam: The moon. He would have put us on the MOON.

Eve: Hey, I just had a thought. I think we should call this stuff “sand.”

Adam: Oh, that is good. I love it. That’s just what this stuff is. Sssslips in, goes irritating on you, and then stays. “Saaaannnd.” Perfect. Good job. It is kind of fun naming stuff, isn’t it?

Eve: It is.

Adam: Well, I hope you enjoyed naming this stuff. Because there’s nothing else out here TO name.

Eve: Hey, do you feel guilty?

Adam: You mean that feeling we had right after we ate the apple? When we were hiding from him? You mean do I still feel that way?

Eve: Yeah. Do you?

Adam: I dunno. A little. It’s hard to feel TOO guilty, given what I think it’s safe to call his slight overreaction.

Eve: Well, he DID say we’d die if we ate from that tree. At least he didn’t kill us.

Adam: Don’t be so sure. Maybe we ARE dead. I mean, look at this place! It’s nothing but … that one new word.

Eve: Sand.

Adam: Sand. It’s nothing but sand. That’s ALL we’ve got! So, I don’t know. I did feel a little guilty. A lot, even. But now, really, I’m just angry. This isn’t fair.

Eve: It does seem a tad harsh. But …

Adam: It was that snake! That stupid SNAKE! I’d like to wring that snake’s neck, if it had one.

Eve: That was my fault. I listened to him.

Adam: Of course you did! Who wouldn’t listen to a talking SNAKE!? I’d probably chew off my FOOT if a talking snake told me to. It’s like, “Whoa! Talking animal! All bets are off now!”

Eve: Still. I should have ignored him.

Adam: Hello? Talking snake! Not exactly easy to ignore.

Eve: He was one smooth talker, I’ll give him that.

Adam: Well, you can’t mate with a snake. So stop right there.

Eve: What are you talking about?

Adam: Oh, please. You were obviously taken with him.

Eve: I was not.

Adam: You were too.

Eve: I was NOT.

Adam: Well, you did what he said, didn’t you? There had to be SOMETHING going on there.

Eve: There WASN’T!

Adam: Then why did you do what he said?

Eve [crying]: I don’t know! I don’t know why I did it! It didn’t have anything to do with him, or what he said. I just … I don’t know! I don’t KNOW why I did it! But I did! I did it! I ate from the forbidden tree! I don’t know why! And now we’re ruined!

Adam [putting his arm around her]: I know why you did it. You did it for the exact same reason I would have done it. We were going to eat from that tree no matter what. We didn’t need a tricky snake to encourage us to do it. You can’t tell people that they can do everything but this ONE special thing — and then expect them not to go crazy until they do that one special thing. It’s not … natural.

Eve: We could have ignored it.

Adam: The snake?

Eve: The tree.

Adam: I couldn’t have. I was probably going to eat from it that day anyway. It was driving me crazy. I used to lay awake at night THINKING about that tree. I almost DID eat from it a couple of times. I’m telling you: I was gonna do it.

Eve: You’re so sweet for saying that.

Adam: I’m not being sweet. I’m telling you. I HATE being told what I can and can’t do. As soon as he told us we couldn’t eat from that tree, that’s the tree I wanted to eat from.

Eve: I know. Me too. And now look at us.

Adam: At least we’re still together.

Eve: Yeah. SEPARATING us would have been unbearable.

Adam: We’ll make it through this. We’ll survive.

Eve: I know. As long as I’m with you, I’m still in paradise.

Adam: And we’ll get there again. We messed up, sure. But sooner or later, he’ll forgive us. I know he will. 

 

If We WERE Descended From Apes, At Least I Wouldn’t Have To Work

In God, Humor, Religion on April 28, 2008 at 4:38 am

Ahh, Monday Morning. The sun is rising, the birds are singing–and I’m bitterly angry at Adam, Mr. Former Mud, who said, “Oh, sure, I’ll take a bite of this exact fruit God commanded  me not to eat. I’m sure that when he said, ‘Never, ever eat the fruit off this tree,’ what God really meant  was, ‘Never, ever eat too much of the fruit off this tree.’ So yeah, I’ll take a bite! Give it here! What could it hurt?”

What could it hurt. Moron!

I wish we were  descended from apes. Even an ape  wouldn’t have been that stupid. You can train an ape. But the first man? Not so much.

And because, lo those many years ago, Adam wouldn’t listen to God, today I have to listen to my alarm clock. When, like hard-hatted rats attacking my spine with a jackhammer, my alarm clock shrilly bleats at me to get out of bed, it’s only a matter of time before I’m basically forced to think about whatever infernal work I’m going to have to do that day.

Work! The very word is a cuss word to me! How utterly I loathe it! I am decidedly anti-labor. If I were British, I would vote for the Labor Party—then ditch the “Labor” part. I support the Labor Unions—minus the labor part. If I were a doctor, and a woman said she was going into labor, I’d run.

Actual Effort and enjoying my life go together like lowfat soy milk and Cocoa Pebbles. Forget it. And it’s not like I haven’t tried to combine work with having an enjoyable life, either. I have. I know that that the key to a happy life is getting paid to do what you love. Well, what I love to do is lie on my couch and watch Seinfeld, The Office, The Simpsons, and old Jerry Lewis movies. But do you think anyone has the decency to pay me for doing that? Well, think again, Uncle Bucko. You wouldn’t believe all the times I’ve screamed at some neighbor passing by outside my house, “Hey! I’m doing what I love! Fork over some money!” But do they ever stop and pony up? No.

Losers.

Thus have I been forced to learn, yet again, that the proverbial ”they”—whoever “they” even are—are evil liars.

That stupid Adam! Why did he have to eat that apple? And we don’t even know if it was an apple. All we know is it was some kind of produce. Produce! My life has been ruined because Adam couldn’t resist gnawing on some produce!

You know, if the Bible said, “And so did God commandeth unto Adam, ‘Do not ye eat of the fruit of this tree, which produceth the corndog,’” I could maybe understand what happened. I’d eat an aardvark snout if it came deep fried on a stick. But I have to get off my couch for produce? 

It’s just too wrong to contemplate.

How To Write in Tandem with God/Holy Spirit

In HowTo, Writing on April 26, 2008 at 8:21 am

I get a fair amount of questions/input around the dynamic of writing in conjunction with God. So I thought I’d burble out a little sumpin’ sumpin’ about that particular phenomenon.

First of all, if you’re trying to do any sort of creative work, do you have any choice but  to access and stay with the divine within you? All creativity is born of the Great Power, however you personally understand or conceive of that. Being Christian, I say that in order to do my best creative work I must tap into and let flow through me the Holy Spirit; I assume if I were a Muslim I’d say the same thing about the spirit of Allah, or maybe Mohammad. However you personally understand The Great Being or Divine Power Within, you’d better  connect to it and let it work through you if you hope to write anything more interesting or substantial than whatever you could scrape together with your normal, everyday brain.

Your normal, everyday brain is great for doing taxes, returning videos on time, and remembering why you shouldn’t attack your boss in an elevator with a stapler. It’s generally useless, though, when it comes to creative work. For creative work, you’ve got to get down and give it up for the source of all creativity.

The key to successfully doing that — to truly divesting yourself of what really does amount to all control over your writing — is trust. You have to trust in the quality of whatever God produces through you. The thing that most often causes writers to choke is thinking too much about the end result of their work: they wonder if it will be good enough, smart enough, clever enough, engaging enough. But thinking about all that sort of stuff is like taking a boat out into the water and then shooting a hole through its floor. You’re sunk before any of the fun can even begin.

Writing has to be about the means, not the end. And the key to experiencing creatively rewarding means is not worrying at all. You can’t create if you’re worrying about being creative. You aren’t creative. God is creative. The creative spirit residing within you is creative. You aren’t: You can barely tie your shoes without accidentally snagging your thumb in a tourniquet. So let The Great Creative Power use you to do his/her/its creative thing. All you have to do is ride the train of blessed phenomenon to wherever in the heck it takes you.

The key is to trust that train will  take you somewhere new, good, and exciting. Don’t worry about the results of what you write: that kind of evaluation is for uptight teachers, loser supervisors, pursed-lipped Church Lady types. Worrying about the quality of creative work is the mortal enemy of creative work. So don’t. Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t do it to the creative spirit within you. It can’t be anything but a waste of time.

When you want to write, poise yourself with your pen in hand or keyboard beneath your fingers, close your eyes, open your heart and spirit, keep them open, and then wait.

Pretty soon you hear that distant train whistle blow. Then you hear the train coming closer.

Then it’s upon you, and you catch onto its rail — and then go, cat, go.

How To Write Stories and Articles That Sell

In HowTo, Humor, Writing on April 22, 2008 at 5:54 am

One of my Big Points in yesterday’s More On How to Make A Living Writing was, “If you’re not pretty much an idea factory, you’re never going to make it anyway.”

One of my more consistently perspicacious readers, “SamWrites2,” left a comment to that post.

“Hi, John!” he wrote. ”You know, I’ve been thinking. I need you. I want to have your baby.”

No, wait, wait. Sorry. That wasn’t Sam. That was my Christian minister lesbian friend, Anita. What Sam said was: “Can you expand on your ‘idea factory’ idea? How does one become an idea factory without getting one’s ideas from someone else? Is there such a thing as an original idea? The reason I chose to work in journalism is because it was easier to look around, ask ‘Why?’, and then write about that, rather than try to pull something brand new out of my brain.”

Good question, Sam! Disgusting imagery—-but good question! Being an Idea Factory, is, after all, the key to being a successful writer, and no two ways about it. If you wait to get assigned  a story, you die waiting; if you come up with a good story of your own, though, you’re gold. From fiction to poetry to nonfiction, idea is king.

Let’s first consider whether or not there’s such a thing as an original idea. Of course there is; if there weren’t then today we’d still be trying to open up cans with our teeth. Luckily, in 1972 Barnabas “Big Collar” Canopener invented the gadget that still bears his name, and cosmetic dentists everywhere were forced to become tile layers and make-up artists.

No, but yes: There are definitely new and original ideas. The whole point of good ideas is that they’re new. They of course exist in symbiotic relationship with their contexts: the cuff link, for instance, was just stupid until someone finally invented the loose, oversized, hole-bearing man-cuff. I feel safe in saying that each and every one of our brains is veritably abuzz with new ideas just waiting to coalesce, spark to life, and then burst out in such a way as to embarrass us in public.

I don’t in reality know if it’s possible to teach people how to come up with good writing ideas. I think  it is, but I don’t know. I do know that in my years of trying to teach/impart that particular facility to freelance magazine writers, I invariably failed. I simply had a pretty much impossible time getting people to, as they say, “think outside the box.”

The reasons I personally have always had pretty good luck flopping around outside that stupid box are two: I’d rather burn alive for an hour than be bored for twelve seconds, and I in every last way loathe work.

Seriously: I think the two most important qualities a writer can have are an actual fear of boredom, and a deep and abiding drive to be lazy.

Here’s what I mean: One time when I was working as the managing editor of a monthly magazine, we got in a press release about how the performance season for this local circus troupe was about to begin.

“Why don’t you write a story about this local circus troupe?” my boss asked me.

“Why don’t you quit so I can have your job, you dribbling moron,” I replied. I’m kidding, of course. What I really did is storm into my office and slam shut my door.

Then my brain went like this: “Man, I love having my own office. I can’t believe I have to write a story about those stupid local circus performers. I do respect them, though; I can barely sit in a chair without toppling off it. Hmm. Lemme look at their press release.” Therein I learned that one of the circus’s featured performers was “Ivan, The World’s Strongest Man.”

“Hmmm,” I thought, staring at a photo of Ivan. “Must be weird being the world’s strongest man. Guy definitely needs to update his wardrobe. No one wears sleeveless leopard-print unitards anymore. How does he not know that? Then again, if you’re the world’s strongest man, making astute fashion statements probably isn’t your main concern in life. Your concern is that you keep breaking things. You try to open a door—and suddenly you’re holding a door. You go to apply your car brakes, and your foot goes through the floorboard. You scratch your head, and you almost bleed to death. It must be horrible being the world’s strongest man.”  

So then I contacted the guy who plays Ivan, and asked if he’d be down for doing an interview with me based on the idea that he actually is the strongest human male currently alive on the planet. He thought it was a great idea—and bingo, I had my piece. And that story was fun to write: I got to talk about how as a baby Ivan used a lawn mower for a rattler, and how as a schoolboy he had to use special steel pencils, and was not  fun to play with at recess, and how his dad had to run away from home from the shame of having a three-year-old son who could totally beat him up.

Point being: Writing that story didn’t bore me to death—and  I didn’t have to work, as I would have if I’d done the normal kind of story, where you have to take notes and get all the facts right and learn stuff. I hate learning stuff.

I’ll give one more example, if you don’t mind my writing yet another blog post longer than the Constitution. Once, when I was the editor of a weekly tabloid newspaper in downtown San Diego, I noticed the city had put up all around downtown these round signs with nothing but the letter “P” on them. They were about the size of STOP signs. I thought, “What the heck are those signs for?” But right away I sensed that finding out what they were really  for might involve actual research. So instead I simply went outside, stood underneath one of the signs, and when people walked by told them that I was a reporter doing a story on what people thought the “P” on these new signs stood for.

And that’s when people, yet again, started being the funniest thing since Charlie Chaplin.

“I think it stands for Padres,” said one guy. (As in the San Diego Padres baseball team! Like the city would just put up signs everywhere showing the first letter of San Diego’s baseball team! Cracked. Me. Up.)

A porty chap guessed, “Pizza? That’d be cool. It is hard to find good pizza downtown.” A hippie girl mused with what I suspected was organically generated mellowness, “You know what? I think it stands for peace.” A wino-type guy said, “There’s a bathroom nearby?” I made a questioning face, and he goes, “You know. Pee?!”

That was about the best half hour of my life. I took a couple of Pictures of People Pondering the P—and just like that, I had half a page of usable material. (The sign, by the way, stands for “Parking.”)

One time one of my favorite writers—a guy named J. R. Griffin, for whom I used to freelance back when he was running a music rag in Los Angeles called “Mean Streets”—was interviewing a musician when he noticed the batteries on his tape recorder were running low. So part of his story became about how he didn’t stop the interview and say his batteries were low, because he was embarrassed about making such an amateur mistake and didn’t have extra batteries anyway. So in the profile itself, J.R. wrote things like, “When I asked him about how he writes his music, Bob said that when composing he liked to hurt his hubble, or hug his stubble, or something like that. I’m not sure.” Or he wrote, “And that’s when I’m pretty sure Bob said something about being inspired by his cat,” or, “‘I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a musician,’ I’m pretty sure Bob said.” 

I died. I still count it as one of the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

My point is: If you really want to be a creative idea machine, think lazy.

What I’m really saying, of course, is think about things not so much as what they’re supposed to be, but what they actually are, if that makes sense. It’s all  about pointed, ingenuous honesty. I really do think the secret to consistently producing quality creative ideas—whether it be for local, regional, or national magazine or newspaper work, or for fiction, or poetry, or play writing—is to never fail to be brutally, crazily, viciously, obsessively (and always politely) honest  about whatever it is you’re writing about. That’s it. Say what you see. Never force things to be what you or anyone else most typically wants or expects them to be. Let things and people tell you who and what they are: Let the real truth of whatever you’re considering unfold itself before you—and then just hang on, and see what happens.

Watch and ride: that’s my motto.

The other Truly Excellent Way to find as many great stories as you can possibly write is to go out into the world secure in the knowledge that people are absolutely fascinating: that they do fascinating things, have fascinating histories, are involved in fascinating dynamics. Move around in life assuming that everyone you meet is astoundingly original and infinitely interesting—and sure enough, their stories will never disappoint you.

 

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A related post o’ mine: How To Make a Living Writing

More On How To Make A Living Writing

In HowTo, Writing on April 20, 2008 at 9:18 am

[A follow-up to this piece is here: How To Write Stories & Articles That Sell. A short while back I did a multi-post series on how to make a living writing; the first of that series, unsurprisingly enough, is How To Make A Living Writing.]

Yesterday I spoke before the large and active San Diego Christian Writer’s Guild. I’m sure I was fascinating. I distinctly remember gesturing a few times — and thinking one of those times, “Man, I have long arms. Look at ‘em out there, waving around like jellyfish tentacles.”

A couple of other times I noticed I was up on my toes. So then I had to think, “What am I, Nijinsky? What’s up with the toe action?”

Anyway, after my talk many people came up to me, smiling.

“Back off,” I kept saying. “I don’t do warm and fuzzy.”

“But we love you!” they clamored.

“Fine. I take cash, okay?” I said. “But no checks. All of you: Stop trying to write me checks!”

But I jest.

I do take checks.

I think some of the people at the talk yesterday are going to come look at my blog today, and so I thought I would make a point here of listing a few random Big Deal Writing Points that yesterday I either forgot to say, or passed over too quickly because I was just then momentarily obsessed by stuff like my waving arms and dancing feet. So here are at least a few of those points:

Publishers and agents need you more than you need them. Writers tend to have this attitude that they’re weak and down below, and that book agents and publishers are high above them, and have all the power in the relationship. That’s exactly backwards. Book publishers and agents are useless without writers, and they know it. They need writers to do what they do; they have no income without writers. Go into your every interaction with a publisher or agent as if you, and not they, have the power. Then in your dealings with them you’ll present yourself with clarity and confidence — which, as a cologne, smells infinitely better than “Need.”

Exploit your relationships. “Exploit” isn’t really the right word (oh: and as a writer, always use the right word), but never fail to respectfully explore the possibilities inherent in every relationship you think could be of value to you in your career. A basic Fact Combo about people you should use to your advantage is that people like helping other people, and that few people actually ask other people to help them. That, combined with the truth that no one is above feeling flattered when another person shows respect for them and asks for their Expert Input, means that you should never be afraid to honestly ask someone who has shown any kind of interest in you at all to keep showing interest in you until they’re done (for now) being interested in you. You can go a long way down that road with a lot more people than you probably think — and in the end, you’ve got yourself a little network! It’s a beautiful thing; it’s a wonderful way to make friends and develop mentors. And you have  to have that; without a network, you’re talking to nobody. Be likeable, be humble, be appropriately responsive, be succinct — but do  be in the conversation.

Remember that the most valuable commodity anywhere in media is ideas. Ideas, ideas, ideas. In publishing, ideas are pure gold. Everything depends on The Idea. Books are sold to publishers every day on nothing but a title. The quickest way to become someone with whom others in the creative field of your choice want to be aligned is to be known as someone who consistently comes up with quality ideas. Think creatively! All the time! That’s how you make friends, influence people, and turn your brain into a cash cow.

Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. New writers are always worried that an agent, publisher or fellow author is going to steal their ideas. Don’t worry about that. They are going to steal your ideas, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Part of the cost of being a new writer is that people who are further up the food chain from you get to steal your ideas. Your attitude has to be, “Go ahead, take that idea. There’s a million more equally good ideas where that one came from.” Let ’em have your ideas. If you’re not pretty much an idea factory, you’re never going to make it anyway. The universe is full of ideas just waiting to be grasped and formulated. So what if someone takes one of yours? They’re likely to fail with it anyway, because no one can execute your idea like you can. Jerry Seinfeld has a great line, where he says, “So what if someone steals my material. What’s someone else going to do with my material?” If someone steals your material, be flattered, know you must be doing something right, and move on. (And, if you’re like me — not that you should be — be sure to take names. You’ll want them later.)

Rejection can’t mean anything to you emotionally. Your stuff is always going to get rejected for perfectly good reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with the quality of your work. Forget rejections; they mean nothing. Keep going; there’s always another venue, always a new place or person to submit to. If you let rejections effect (affect? oh–and always keep a good usage manual nearby) you emotionally, you’ll never make it. Of course every rejection will hurt a little — but feel that pang, give it its proper acknowledgment, and then lose it like the useless weight it is. Writing’s a weird business: You have to be sensitive enough to be open and vulnerable and creative — and yet be The Terminator when it comes to rejection. No problem. You can do that. Life hurts sometimes. So what? Remember to keep your eye on the prize, which is to be so successful writing that you never again have to get a real job. 

Well, that’s all I can think of just now; I have got to get some breakfast now, before I eat my coffee cup.

Thanks, all.

 

Zealots, Unite! No, Wait! Don’t!

In Christianity, Religion on April 19, 2008 at 4:22 pm

This is just a quick question–probably more a foray into semantics than anything else. But, lying in my bathtub just now, I had a thought. (That’s right: I’m writing this in my bathtub, my laptop balanced on our little bathroom garbage can. Hey, man. I do what it takes to get the job done!).

Below are some words that describe believers in Christ. Go down the list, and see where those words stop describing you.

Supporter

Believer

Committed

Devoted

Passionate

Zealous

Zealot

Fanatic

Now then. I’m guessing that you stopped at “zealot.” That’s certainly where I stopped. I am a zealous believer in Christ; so I’ve got no problem with that word. But I recoil at the idea that I’m a zealot — and would be freaked by anyone calling me a fanatic. So I stopped at “zealous.”

Between zealous and zealot, I have a problem.

So here’s what I’m thinking: What distinguishes a zealot and/or a fanatic from the sort of person I daresay most any Christian would like to be thought of is passionate, furious intolerance: a really profound, inflamed, crazy-making desire on the part of the fanatic to turn people who don’t think or believe what he does into people who do, since (goes the fanatic’s logic) those who don’t believe what he does are so terribly, terribly mistaken for instead believing whatever it is they do.

Right? That’s a fanatic (or, in the classic sense of the word, a zealot): Someone who is convinced that what he believes is the only  true belief — and that anyone who doesn’t believe what he believes is grievously, tragically deluded. As such, then, a fanatic believes that it is his moral duty to do virtually everything in his power to persuade people to believe as he does.

So. There it is.

I am, after all, a fanatic.

I knew it! Who else would use their laptop in the bathtub, for You Know Who’s sake?

It is shocking to realize that I am, by definition, a zealot, a fanatic. But I am. I do believe, with all of my heart, that everyone in the world would be infinitely better off if they held the exact same religious beliefs that I do.

I’m telling you: It sure seems to me that tolerance is the only thing that’s going to save us all — Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Christians, atheists, everyone. Unless I’m missing something, sheer and true tolerance — real and absolute respect  for the beliefs and religious practices of others — is the only thing that finally separates a loving, thoughtful person from exactly the sort of person that … well, that it’s distressingly easy to accuse other people of being.

 

Soul to Sole

In Sports on April 18, 2008 at 6:31 pm

For those kind enough to inquire as to what shoes I now favor, below are Shoe Cheesecake Shots of my current athletic shoe wear. (Shoeweare? Shoeware? Showwear? Showbiz? Whatever.) I bought them two months ago, for about $80. I wear them to the gym four or five times a week, which causes me increasing anguish, because in my personal and private Shoe Hall of Fame, these bad boys rank #1 in both style and comfort, which means the thought of wearing them out and not having them anymore brings me mild but persistant anxiety. I like these retro-boss shoes like I’ve liked few shoes in my life, and (as those of you who read my last post, A Painful Memory know), I tend to serioulsy dig my shoes.

Anyway, these are my current tootsie tuxedos. I love the way they basically look like bowling shoes. According to their Tongue Tag, they’re Air Max 360’s, model #315380-461.

Here we see them looking unabashedly coy, yet distinctly obscene.

 

 

Okay, this is just wrong.

 

This is how my shoes would look to you if we were standing face to face chatting, and you looked down at my feet, and me and everything else I was wearing was invisible. And you were about 4′ 9″.

 

A Painful Memory

In Family, Health on April 18, 2008 at 11:39 am

So lately I’ve been getting much e-love from across the blogosphere. A beautiful thing, indeed. Makes me feel like I have friends. And with your friends, of course, you tend to share things that you wouldn’t normally share with others — personal, painful-type things. Things that happened to you when you were a kid.

Speaking of painful things that happened to me when I was a kid, here’s a memory o’ mine:

I am sitting on the floor of our family room. Each of my feet is wrapped in several layers of plastic wrap. I’m maybe four. I am the unhappy posessor of a condition whereby the skin on my feet itches so badly that I am constantly using just about anything I can get my hands on to scrape large and deep portions of it away, prefering the resultant stinging pain to the torture of unrelieved itching.

Since I can remember, the entire lower fourth of all my bed sheets have been stained with blood; instead of regular shoes I wear sandals and paper-thin socks that I wear once, peel off, and then throw away. The question of what exactly is wrong with my feet makes doctors call in other doctors, who call in other doctors, who shrug their shoulders and say they just don’t know, let’s try this.

The latest thing they’ve tried is putting salve on my feet, and then wrapping them tight in the same stuff you use to wrap sandwiches. If possible, this has made my feet itch even more — plus, now I can’t get to them. If I end up in hell after I die, and the fire starts burning me, I’ll go, “Oh, yeah. This feels just like something that happened to my feet once.”

Anyway, as I’m sitting on the floor of our family room with my Saran-wrapped feet before me, I am trying my best not to cry, and generally failing at it. I’m also looking up at my mother, who is standing in the door space between our living room and kitchen. She is regarding me as if I’m something foul the cat has dragged in. Because my pain and tears are choking my words away, I try to communicate with my eyes that I know she can’t do anything about my feet, but that I desperately want some of her affection. She is having none of it, though. Looking disgusted, she turns and disappears back into the kitchen.

So. There’s … that moment. Awful!

My feet got better, by the way. They continued to plague me throughout high school (though they began improving around junior high), and by the time I was about 23 they were fine. (I have this weird, speckely sort of discoloration on the tops of my feet, though, from where I guess I actually scratched the color pigment off my feet, if you can believe it. There was a time they were actually talking about amputating my feet, I’d done them such damage. So I guess that makes sense.)

Today, I am happy to report that I am positively insane about shoes. Especially any kind of athletic shoe, which I used to never be able to wear. Life, of course, offers us all mind-boggling pleasures galore — and one of them, for me, will always be putting on … well, any kind of real shoes at all — but especially a pair of athletic shoes.

A Chance To Be Bored By Me In Person!

In Uncategorized on April 17, 2008 at 10:03 am

I keep forgetting to communicate this, but this Saturday (4/19) I’m going to be babbling speaking at the San Diego Christian Writer’s Guild “Spring Fellowship Event.” Here’s the scam on the skinny:

Spring Brunch/Fellowship
April 19, 10:30 am-1:30 pm
Faith Chapel Activity Center
9400 Campo Road, Spring Valley, Ca. 91977
Cost: $10.00 per person
email for more info: jennie@rgillespie.net

The subject of my talk will be, “Ticking People Off: Genetic Propensity, or Learned Behavior?”

Just kidding. It’ll be, “Always Prepared: Why I Wear Asbestos Underpants.”

KIDDING!

It’ll be, “Somewhere Over The Rainbow: Was Dorothy a Lesbian?”

Okay, fine. What I’ll really  be talking about is writing, and “making it” as a writer, and writing for the Christian market, and what all like that. Come out if you can! I’d love to see you, and I know the folks in this huge, very active collective of Christian writers will right away make you glad you popped by.

If My Gay Loved Ones Go To Hell, I’m Going With Them

In Christianity, Gays and Lesbians, God, Jesus, Religion on April 16, 2008 at 3:51 pm

In case anyone’s interested, the impetus behind my writing my last post, ”Homosexuality Isn’t Stealing or Lying …”‘ is this simple truth: If my gay friends, whom my life experience tells me can no sooner stop being gay than I can stop being straight, have to go to hell after they die, then I’m going with them. Too many gays and lesbians have been too good to me in this life for me to leave them behind in the next. I won’t do it. That’s really all I was saying.

What I am not saying (and certainly haven’t said) is that the Bible is wrong, or should be changed, or that fundamentalist or “conservative” Christians are wrong or should change. I’m not even saying that it’s true that gays and lesbians are born homosexual in the same way I was born straight. Maybe I’m wrong about that. I don’t care. I leave those kinds of questions to the future and those in the present who, unlike me, like to debate. (And you better believe I have no interest in alienating my fundamentalist and “conservative” Christian friends, for whom I have nothing but love and respect. I wish I had blood relatives who’d ever been as good to me as some of my conservative brothers and sisters in Christ have been.)

Again: I’m saying nothing more than this: If any of my dear gay friends get condemned to hell for no other reason than that they’re gay, then I will choose to go to hell with them. I am sure Christ will let me make that choice. I’m not sure of a lot of things, but I’m positive Christ understands sacrificing oneself for the love of others.

 

Related piece: How I Broke My Lesbian Friend’s Heart


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