John Shore

Archive for December 2007

,

An Open Letter to Crosswalk.com’s Atheist Hacker

In Christianity, technology on December 31, 2007 at 7:14 am

Dear Guy from Finland Who For a Few Hours on Sunday Hacked Crosswalk.com: (Oh, if you don’t know what happened: On the morning of Sunday, Dec. 30, people who visited the Christian website Crosswalk.com [2.5 million views per month; over 200,000 subscribers] found, in place of the site, a single, crudely designed static page featuring cheesy-looking burning crosses and a message from the hacker directed to “Christian sheep,” talking about how Christianity is a lame pack of lies believed by idiots, and so on. The message was maybe 50 words long. [It was also about impossible to read, since, as the hacker/author readily admitted, English is not his first language. He's from the great country of Finland. The site was back to normal--un hacked by Crosswalk's crack Techno Team in about two hours.)]

Dear Guy from Finland Who For a Few Hours on Sunday Cracked Crosswalk.com:

Hi, there. I’m one of the writers for Crosswalk.com. Is it cold where you live? It looks like it is, since the picture you put of yourself on your Crosswalk-hack page showed you wearing a thick cap and a sweatshirt. Of course (as you told us), you’re from Finland, so you’re definitely used to cold, even if you’re not living in Finland anymore. Which you may be. But I have no idea. Either way, Finland definitely seems like one of the most fascinating places in the world.

Anyway, apparently you possess some serious computer skills. Way to go! I personally can barely tell a computer from a microwave oven, so I admire anyone who … doesn’t try to warm up their bagle on their computer. But would you mind, please, not using your awesome computer skills to destroy other people’s websites? I know you think Christianity and Christians are stupid, and we may be. But look! Even I myself have written a fair number of pretty pro-atheist postings, such as, “Atheists! Incoming Olive Branch!” And Crosswalk featured that posting, and several others of mine like it. That’s nice of them, right? That’s really tolerant of them, I thought. They’re good like that. They’re open to honest, thoughtful conversation.

I don’t know the people who run Crosswalk, but I know their boss, the director of the site. He’s an exceptionally good man. Funny as all get out. (”As all get out,” by the way, is an American idiom meaning “to the max.” I have no idea where it came from. I don’t know where “to the max” came from, either. As I believe you know, English is so complicated even people who speak it have no idea what’s going on with it.)

Anyway, Mr. Hacker Man, please believe that not all Christians are the shallow, angry, intrusive, judgemental, sanctimonious, homophobic misogynists that I know it can seem, from the outside, like we all are.

We’re not. I promise. I don’t actually know anyone like that, though I’ve no doubt they exist. But generally, if you would, please, try to bear in mind that all the good, sane, normal, thoughtful, decent, tolerant, kind Christians are in church. It’s (usually) the crazy ones who make the news, or scream at you on street corners.

The rest of us are just out here, trying to be the most honorable, loving people we can be. Promise.


#1 Christian Website Hacked By Atheist!

In Atheists, Christianity, technology on December 30, 2007 at 11:15 pm

Update: To read my “An Open Letter to Crosswalk.com’s Atheist Hacker,” click … well, there.

Instead of the largest Christian website in the world (2.5 million views a month; 200,000-plus subscribers), people who visited www.crosswalk.com this morning found a single, crudely designed static page featuring cheesy-looking burning crosses and a message from the hacker directed to “Christian sheep,” talking about how Christianity sucks and is nothing but lies believed by idiots and so on. The message was maybe 50 words long. (It was also about impossible to read, since, as the hacker/author readily admitted, English is not his first language. He’s from the great country of Finland.)

The #1 Christian website in the world, hacked by an irate Finnish atheist!

I write for Crosswalk; my job there is to be ”funny,” “reverently irreverent,” and to “think outside the box.” For a writer (or one like me, anyway) it’s a dream gig. In the course of this year I’ve grown extremely fond of Crosswalk’s director. He’s a good man. (He’s also one of the funniest people I’ve ever met.) I hated to see his work get hurt this way.

I was surprised how disturbing it was to see what had happened to Crosswalk. It felt violent. It was like having your home robbed, or your car stolen. Just awful.

Right after I saw what happened to Crosswalk I did a quick posting here about it, just saying something like “Go see what happened to Crosswalk.com!” But within minutes of my posting that, the site got unhacked, and was back to normal. So right away I took down my posting about it, since then it wouldn’t have made any sense.

I forgot, however, how quickly blog postings get sent out via RSS–and so later in the day I ended up getting some emails from people asking me what the heck was going on, what with Crosswalk getting so severely hacked, and then my post about that hack apparently  mysteriously disappearing, and all. Fears abounded! So I thought I might write this, by way of a Full Explanation.

Crosswalk got hacked; the hack seemed to last about two, maybe three hours; then it got fixed. (My friend the Crosswalk director wrote me about it. “Short version of the story,” he said, “is that we got hacked, big time. Should be mostly normal now. Hope we didn’t cause you to stumble in your faith.”)

 See? Funny!

Anyway, that’s what happened this morning with Crosswalk.com.

“Bad Word Bug Wiggles?” What the …?

In Humor, technology on December 27, 2007 at 4:09 pm

In the last three days, these are what someone somewhere typed into a search engine (which then brought them here to my blog):

Bad word bug wiggles [From some kind of deranged entomologist?]

A list of testes to put a boy through to [Yikes! And two--I am so not kidding--people searched this!! Do people not know what "testes" are?? God, I hope not.]

If you love someone you do not want them [From the world's worst love advice columnist?]

Did Mr. Ed have a wife? [From the world's most romantic horse breeder?]

My husband is suddenly ugly at 46 [Yikes. Poor guy. I hate it when that happens.]

Jerk christian way of loving drug yahoo [From the world's worst worst group drug counseling patient?]

What to do if a guy wants to end the tea [From the world's worst bed & breakfast owner?]

How to stop someone from trying to cave [From the world's most desperate psychiatrist?]

Squirrels of the white lawn [From the world's worst writer of horror book titles?]

Picture woody woodpecker bird [From the world's worst dream therapist?]

Sneak into charity parties [From the world's worst party guest?]

Man fit tight pants [Sorry. No joke comes to mind.]

Atheists are wrong [From the world's worst Christian apologist?]

Not reformable [From the world's worst prison warden?]

Where to buy ground squirrels [From the world's worst zoo manager?]

Why ex-husbands jerk [Again: Sorry. No joke comes to my mind.]

Deep pick-up lines [From the world's worst guy to hit on you in a bar?]

Christmas caroling and forks [From the world's worst person to sing Christmas carols to?]

A list of the most devastating things [From the world's worst singer of "My Favorite Things"?]

And finally (and I’m not kidding):

Crazy search terms.


Whad’ya Get For Christmas?!

In Christianity, God, entertainment on December 25, 2007 at 11:25 pm

Sure, it’s shallow. It’s embarrassingly shallow to ask what other people got for Christmas. It’s just the lamest. And of course it couldn’t be further from the meaning and spirit of Christmas.

Of course, it is is true that Jesus received some excellent gifts on the occasion of his physically committing to going from being the supreme, all-powerful ruler of the universe to being someone in swaddling clothes who has to be burped. It’s not like Myrrh grows on trees, you know.

Wait. Does it?

Be right back.

Okay, so myrrh does grow on trees. Sort of. It grows intrees. It’s fragrant-smelling dried sap from a tree that … that must make other trees feel like they smell like feet.

Myrrh used to be worth more than it’s weight in gold.

Can you imagine, going into an international currency exchange place, and going, “Yes, I’ve four pounds of myrrh here I’d like to change for five pounds of gold? And can you hurry — I’ve got a bus to catch.”

Anyway, tell me what you got for Christmas! Unless you got nothing. And then, God bless you — for real. For then you can be closer to the true spirit of Christmas than can anyone who can’t help but equate the miracle of God’s incarnation with the personal acquisition of material goods.

Wow. Now I don’t want to tell you what I got for Christmas.

Well. I’m actually thrilled with what I got, so here it is: This year for Christmas my wife Cat got me a two-volume, 17-pound boxed set of Don Martin cartoons. (Don Martin used to be a cartoonist for Mad Magazine.) Here’s a picture of the set, lifted from it’s Amazon page:

don-martin.jpg

Can you believe it? Don Martin, being treated like Michaelangelo wishes.

Cat was moved to buy these books for me out of her conviction that humor is what saved me when I was a kid — when, it’s true, Don Martin meant so very, very much to me.

I used to study his stuff, and think, “Okay. So anything’s possible.”

Cat is a phenomenal giver of gifts. It really is a talent, of which she is an absolute master.

But enough about what I got. What did you get, friend? Do tell!

(And to my fellow believers: Can you believe the joy this time fills you with? God, born as man, come to show us how to live a life beyond this life! For free! We did nothing to deserve it! It’s just … all the love from God that we can possibly process! MERRY CHRISTMAS, INDEED!!)


Faith, Hope, a Chair With Little Claw Divots

In Uncategorized on December 21, 2007 at 10:16 pm

If you’re reading this, you’re surprising me. I won’t post this on Crosswalk or Christianity.com. I won’t send out a notice to 400 readers telling them it’s here. As far as I know, no one will ever know this is here.

So if you’re here, it’s just you and me, baby.

Which, let’s face it, means it’s pretty much just me. People are so busy. And this is, after all, a blog.

Like people have time to read blogs.

It’s 9:30 p.m. here in California. Dark. Cold. (Well, to us. It’s maybe 50 degrees.) Cat’s asleep on the couch. Nat King Cole’s Christmas album is on the stereo. I’m in my office, on the gratifyingly huge leather chair we bought for $200 from a 42-year-old former champion moto-coss bicycle rider who lives with his parents. Nice guy. Bought the chair through an ad he’d run on Craigslist. He sold the chair for so little (the thing is gorgeous) because his newly divorced wife loved it–as did their cat, who left little claw marks all over it. I love the cat claw marks on it. I would have paid more for those.

Anyway. Here I am.

My office just now is strewn with the open books I’ve lately been pouring over relative to the work I’ve been doing on this new book I’m writing with Steve Arterburn. It makes me feel brainy to have open encyclopedia volumes and study Bibles and all kinds of reference books lying about. I think for awhile I’ll keep them  where they are. I like feeling brainy.

So here’s a few ideas with which I’ve lately been obsessed:

Cynacism is the easiest attitude in the world to adopt. It protects you from everything, and never dissapoints.

Faith and hope aren’t just virtues; they’re the virtues upon which all other virtues depend. You can’t be honest, kind, loving, caring, optimistic and compassionate if you don’t first have faith and hope.

The degree to which a person has faith and hope depends entirely upon the degree to which that person consciously experiences the excercising of his or her own free will. You do feel as much hope and faith as you do freedom; you do feel as much cynacism, anger and depression as you do that you are trapped.

It’s so easy (and even natural) to feel victimized, to feel that you’re just responding to life. But that’s never it. While we can’t always choose what does happen to us (though we can certainly have a lot more to do with that than we typically believe we can) we can always and ultimately choose how we’re going to react to whatever “happens” to us. That can’t be taken away. That choice–to either be positive or negative–is at the core of who we are.

It’s God’s singular gift to us. It’s his defining gift to us.

And why is that gift so critical to who we are, to whom God wants us to be relative to him? Because God wants us to choose to love him.

First he wants us fully empowered–fully free, fully independent–and then he wants us to choose to love him.

Then we bring him all we have, all we are, all we know it’s possible for us to be.

Then we meet life open-hearted, inspired, excited, fresh, optimistic. Then–when we are free, when we are in control of our power to always choose how we want to respond to whatever happens or comes our way–we can claim, as our own, true faith, and true hope.

Faith and hope aren’t about knowing everything is going to be okay. They’re about knowing that, by virtue of our free will, things are okay.

I don’t think God wants us to believe that one day all will be well. I think that’s where so much of modern Christianity has it soooooooo wrong. I think what God wants is for us to understand that, if we but will ourselves to understand it, all is well.

It’s A Stamp Rack!

In technology on December 21, 2007 at 11:05 am

The thing I posted a picture of (under Anyone Know What This Thing Is?) is, it turns out, a STAMP-RACK. I learned this in two ways. First, a reader who keeps a really outstanding blog called Lord I Believe; Help My Unbelief wrote to say that, after a considerable bit of web research, he found this Most Outstanding page, where you can see the Actual Patent Submission for which one David S. Haines, of Sandy Hill, NY, was, on Feb. 2,  1897, granted a patent for the very object that over 100 years later someone donated to one of my wife’s thrift stores. (He also once wrote a review of my book I’m OK–You’re Not, which you can find on his site here.)

Then, yesterday, the most excellent and apparently freakishly patient Paul Tucker wrote in to say, first, “I know what this is. Do people really want to know or do they just enjoy guessing? It was invented by David Haines from Sandy Hill, NY. It’s patent number is 576450.” A few comments from others later he wrote, “I didn’t want to spoil the fun if people liked guessing … . It is a stamp dispenser. …. Mr. Haines designed this to dispense stamps when the post office handled postage stamps in long sheet like rolls. The numbers on the spindles were supposed to help keep count of the number of stamps dispensed and remaining on the spool. It doesn’t seem like it would work very well and I couldn’t find any evidence that it was actually used by the post office. I think this belongs in the National Postal Museum in Washington, DC, which also has the old post office from my hometown Dillsburg, PA. [!!] I think we should send the photos and information to the museum to see if they want it.” Man. How comprehensive an answer is that? Awesome.

A number of comments from others later, Mr. Tucker was next to write, “It really is a stamp dispenser. I’m not just guessing. You can look up the patent at http://www.google.com/patents?id=0-1LAAAAEBAJ&dq=576450 . And I really think it should be offered to the National Postal Museum.”

And there you have it! And I will see if the National Postal Museum wants my/our stamp-rack! (Though if anyone else wants to look them up and forward them the photo off my blog and all, by all means, do. Just let me know, so that I can be sure to continue living the life of leisure I keep trying to live.)

I want to sincerely thank all of you for making this so much fun, and so informative. Some of those answers you guys gave just cracked me up.

For sure I’ll do this again sometime, and probably sooner than later. You wouldn’t believe the weird stuff people donate to thrift stores. Now I know I have a way of finding out what some of the weirder of that stuff actually is. This is very exciting news for me, my wife, and everyone who works with my wife at this nonprofit organization.

 Hey, if I don’t write again before Christmas, the very best Christmas/holiday to you all. Maximum love, respect, and gratitude.

Anyone Know What This Thing Is?

In technology on December 20, 2007 at 10:30 am

dsc_03000001_1.jpg 

Here’s a picture of something that was donated to the thrift stores run by my wife. Does anyone have any idea what it is? It’s got six double rolls, each wound with paper on which is printed three numbers. It’s 9 inches tall and 12 inches long. On the top of it is stamped “Patented Feb 2. 1897.”

1897! Now, c’mon. You guys are smart. What is this thing?

(Hey: I’m writing this, right now, today–as opposed to yesterday, when I wrote the above. Find out what this thing turned out be in today’s post, which is here.)


Here We Don’t Go A’ Caroling Anymore

In entertainment on December 19, 2007 at 6:57 am

How come no one goes Christmas caroling anymore? When I was a kid you could always count on a group of strolling singers coming to your door — well, maybe not coming right up to your door, but definitely pausing on the sidewalk outside your house — and joyfully belting out a familiar Christmas tune or two that always made you feel so good inside right before you turned up the volume on your TV.

Ah, carolers. They used to be such a big part of Christmas. What happened to that? For at least the whole week before Christmas, my family used to get so many carolers outside our house that by Dec. 22 or so we could eat our whole dinner in the pitch dark and remain totally quiet even if one of us accidentally got getting stabbed with a fork. I used to think carolers in our neighborhood were gonna break out into territory wars. I remember looking down our street in one direction and seeing a little gang of carolers coming our way, and seeing the same thing down the sidewalk in the other direction, and thinking, “This is it! They’re have to meet! It’s gonna get ugly!” I imagined hot chocolate cups flying everywhere, scarves being used to choke people, mittened punches being thrown.

But, alas, nothing: One of the groups politely (and, I thought, meekly) meandered to the other side of the street just in time to avoid a rumble. Then it was time for me to duck back inside and turn off the lights.

But where are the carolers nowadays? What happened to that tradition? I couldn’t get a caroler outside our house now if I put a giant plate of cookies on the sidewalk, shined a spotlight on them, threw open our windows, and blared karaoke versions of carols out my stereo. Forget it. Someone would just call the police. And I’d be stuck trying to explain how people usedto carol. But the cop would be too young to remember. I’d end up getting tazed. So it’s just not worth it.

But whatever happened to caroling? Why doesn’t anyone do it anymore? I myself used to love going Christmas caroling. Well, I used to love the idea of going Christmas caroling. What I always discovered when for some insane reason I actually ended up trying it, though, is that I’m not exactly what you’d call a natural born caroler. For one, it involves singing in public. I very rarely like watching other people sing in public; I’m hardly inclined to do it myself. Plus, I can never everremember the words to any carol but “Jingle Bells.” So I’m always stuck going, “Good King Wencelas looked out / at the feet of Stephen / then the snow was all about / deeply, crispy Steven.” And then I’d start noticing my fellow carolers giving me the evil eye. And then I’d think, “Oh, like you know all the lyrics!” And then I’d start only mouthing the lyrics, the better to catch my caroling enemies screwing up the lyrics so I could start giving them the evil eye.

But how long is it fun glaring at your fellow carolers while pretending to sing? Three, four songs, max. Then it’s back to the caroling grindstone. Plus, I always ended up standing right in front of that person who’s in every caroling group, the one who mistook “Let’s go out caroling!” with “Let’s go audition for the Metropolitan Opera!” You know those people? Who sing like what they’re really doing is drumming up customers for the little hearing aide business they run on the side? I hate those people. I … 

Oops–I have to run. Anyway, I sure do miss that great tradition of gathering together with a bunch of people and going outside in the dark to wander around singing. I really just can’t understand why people stopped doing that.

Related post, in that at least it’s funny: #1 Idea For Having Even More Fun at Christmas.

More On Amy-DaughterOfTheKing

In Christianity, Family, Marriage, relationships on December 18, 2007 at 8:52 am

Okay, so to be clear (concerning the assertion in comment #12 on my last post that I “promote” divorce): Claiming to be “for” or “against” divorce is like claiming to be for or against weather. It depends on the weather. In principle, I’m extremely against divorce; I basically hate it, and grieve, whenever I even hear about a divorce. In reality, I certainly understand how divorce is sometimes the neccessary, best option.

I have nothing but sympathy for Amy, as I do for anyone who is suffering. Believe me: With all my heart I’m on Amy’s side.

Also–again, just to be clear–I never advised Amy to just “walk away” from her marriage. That’s just not anything I actually wrote.

Here’s something I did write in the comments section in the original post (it’s comment #11): 

“By the way–just for the record and all–I certainly understand the way so many women really are victims of their husbands. And I understand how easy it is for a woman–especially a woman with children–to essentially become trapped in a bad relationship with a man. As I’ve said elsewhere on this blog, my wife works for an organization that basically saves victims of domestic violence. And I’ve worked in shelters for such places myself. I’m very familiar with the whole … universe of domestic violence.

“Women trapped in bad relationships have a whole bunch of stuff they need to do. One of those things is to learn to take responsibility for the role they played in arriving where they’re at. I was just meaning, here, to Amy, to emphasize that particular aspect of her healing challenge. I know it’s not the only thing she needs to do; it’s just the one I chose to emphasize.”

So, there’s …. that stuff I also said.

Anyway, right: Relationships are difficult. I actually think they’re the most challenging and important thing any of us ever do in life. So of course I’m sympathetic to the challenges Amy is facing. Okay? (And I really am a Christian. Promise. [I can't believe how often it happens that the first thing a Christian says to you if they taken exception to something you've said is that you're not really a Christian. It's just bizarre. And exceptionally offensive, of course. Which I'm sure is the primary intent in saying something like that. So many people seem like they just live to be angry and fight, yes?])


Why I Prefer Not to Give Advice to Women with Jerk Husbands

In Christianity, Family, Marriage, relationships on December 17, 2007 at 10:17 am

A while ago I wrote a post entitled, “Surprise (Or Not!) Men Are Spoiled!” in which I made the case that it’s natural enough for men to be spoiled and generally feel entitled. At the end of that piece I promised to write a follow-up piece that would address the question of what a woman can do with the fact that her man is spoiled.

Afterwards, I thought about what I would actually say to women who are involved with, engaged or married to men who are spoiled or clearly feel too entitled. Then I thought I wouldn’t write that piece after all.

Whoo-hoo! It’s good to be King of Your Blogmain.

But now, a month after the fact, a woman has left a comment on “Surprise (Or Not!) Men Are Spoiled!” in which she relates her ongoing struggle to act in a loving enough way to satisfy her husband. “I give and I give,” she writes, “and I get overwhelmed. I can usually go to God for more energy to keep giving, however when my husband comes to me and says basically, ‘the job your doing is still not good enough, ’ I break down …. I really, really need the next article, John!!!”

And there it is: Three exclamation points!!!

So now I’m stuck. I have to respond. That poor woman!

Do let me just start off, however, by saying (too quickly, I know, and too abruptly—but what else can one do in a blog?) that the natural and true sympathy I have for “Amy-DaughterOfTheKing” tends to be pretty darn mitigated by the fact that, after all, she married the guy. Not to be obnoxious—and I know this can’t help but come of as exactly that—but it kind of drives me crazy when a person chooses to get into a relationship with someone who isn’t capable of maintaining a decent, loving relationship, and then complains because they’re in a relationship with someone who isn’t capable of maintaining a decent, loving relationship. To such people I always want to say, “But did you not know this person before you married them? If so, why did you marry them ? If not, why did you get married to someone you didn’t know very well?” (And then what you often hear is, “But he [or she] changed!”  Which is the same as saying, “Throughout our courtship the character qualities that now dominate my partner’s personality were in no way evident.” Which I just never quite understand as entirely really that feasible.)

And, effectively enough, this brings me to both of the big reasons I don’t actually want to give relationship advice to this woman, or any other woman in a situation similar to hers. First, I lack subtley on these matters; I am a complete relationship Nazi. I think everyone in a committed relationship should either start acting like the other person is more interesting to them than anything else in the world and live their lives as if they want to be worthy of the greatness of their partner, or get out of that relationship, and stop dragging the universe down with their . . . uncommitted ambiguity.

See? Entirely too Nazi-like. I mean, I think what I’ve said is true, but … but I understand that people tend to think stuff is a lot more complicated than that. Which of course it is. Except that it really isn’t. But people think it is. And that’s good enough for me.

Anyhoo, the second Big Reason I’m not too keen on giving relationship advice via this blog is that this blog is read by a lot of Christians. A fair number of them are Christian conservatives. I love Christian conservatives. I also love Christian liberals.

Basically, if you believe in the reality of the risen Christ, you and I are friends.

That said, though, you know how sometimes, in certain circles, people can use the Bible to basically impress upon women that it’s sort of their job in life to be “subservient” to their husbands? And you know how sometimes — not usually, of course, and certainly not by anyone with a normal, healthy understanding of what the Bible says about marital relationships — that whole “Women! Submit to your man!” thing can work to keep women in marriages that they really shouldn’t be in?

Well, so do I. So the other big reason I’m disinclined to offer Marriage Advice in this blog is because I know that if I do so I’ll run smack into a whole bunch of people’s passion about what they think the Bible says about this, that, and everything else in the world.

And within the vaporous, murky swamp of that conversation lie too many quicksand traps and snapping alligators for li’l ol’ me.

You see what I mean: I’m afraid that too much of the advice I’d give to Ms. Amy-DaughterOfTheKing would be taken by too many people as being un-Biblical. And then those people, I know, would be moved to write me and say and imply terrible things about me. And it’s extremely unpleasant to be told you’re not really a Christian. Believe me, this is something I know about. (And you would too, if you’d ever written a book for Christians called, I’m OK — You’re Not: The Message We’re Sending Nonbeleivers, and Why We Should Stop.Talk about … discovering the ugly underbelly of people who claim the Prince of Peace as their savior. Yikers.)

And I don’t want that kind of unpleasantness in my life right now. It’s Christmas!

Ahh … Christmas. Just feel the … weight going on, actually. But that’s really a whole other concern.

Anyway, Amy, I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. That’s the bad news. The good news is that I couldn’t have helped you anyway. And the really good news is that you already know that. Let’s face it, Amy: You already know everything you need to know about what you should do to make yourself peaceful and happy. You just have to do what you know you should. And, of course, it’s in the gap between what we know and what we do that all of the world’s troubles lie.