Yes, George’s original seven words are Definite Cursing. But so what? You hear half those words on TV all the time. Especially since Martha Stewart got out of prison.
So I think GC’s list needs updating. Here, then, is my personal vote for Seven Other Words No One Should Ever Be Allowed to Say On Television:
1. insider
2. conniption
3. diarrhea
4. Urantia
5. matriculating
6. sudsy
7. Gary Coleman
masticate
happy period
constipation
retard
Sweet Sixteen
Boo-yah
BAM!
hate crime
mean spirited
______ phobic
unnamed sources
hypocrite
anti _____
illogical
“Erection lasting more than four hours”
yeast infection
Wiggles
Carrot top
bowel leakage
American Idol
(heck, any medical ad that lists side effects or maladies affecting the naughty bits)
Paris Hilton(talking about “celebrties” only fuels the fire and makes the viewing audience dumber by doing so)
Lindsay Lohan( ” )
Brittany Spears( ” )
Osama Bin Laden(this guy is a ghost)
Al-Qaeda(there is no intelligent discussion about terrorism on tv)
Talk to your doctor about(insert pharmecutical drug)(prescription medication would be affordable if they didn’t spend billions of dollars on advertising)
it can/will Save you Money(i mean, if it’s something about actually saving money thats fine, i mean more along the lines of buy this cheap item that we markup and then discount to you!)
terror alert elevated{to what?]
give up pull out
immigration control
open borders
government for the people[which people?]
i promise[politician speak for 'i suppose']
im sure the list is endless these days. but these are a few that we live everyday.
my bad ( shouldn’t be said anywhere)
anal leakage
wardrobe malfunction
you know
and like
pms
eclectic
P.S. I love reading what you have to say so please continue emailing me your blog notices. Sabina
Oh, man, some of these are just too funny!
Fundamental(ist)
Celeb sighting
“Ripped from the headlines”
E.D.
“as seen on Oprah”
user friendly
Send no money now
Okay, people. Now, as we can see, we have here many hilarious offerings. BUT I’m afraid anything over ONE WORD violates the entire premise of this undertaking.
Hey, man. No one said comedy was pretty.
Now, as I’m sure some of you are noticing, I DID, in fact, have a single two-word entry on my list: Gary Coleman. It’s the fact that it WAS a two-word entry, at the very end of a bunch of one-worders, that made it funny. (That, plus the fact that one instantly senses how CLOSE to one word is a two-word name, which of course so immediately identifies a single individual.)
So that’s actually a rythmn joke: bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bobababomp.
Plus, GARY COLEMAN! Instantly funny! (Plus, no other celebrity right there would have been as totally hilarious as Gary Coleman. No one else came to my mind, anyway. Anyone else have a contender for that spot?)
Now, then. From now on, I expect to see more serious attention being paid to all Comedy Rules laid down in this blog.
Remember: If you’re not totally stressed out by the process of producing humor, what’s the point of doing it?
LOL John! I loved the “diarrhea” one….I guess I have a very juvenile sense of humor. Sprocket’s suggestions cracked me up, too…any kind of medical side effect should stay neatly and discreetly in fine print at the bottom of the screen. “anal leakage” is probably the worst offender in my opinion. or the commercials that go so far as to describe the symptoms of hemorrhoids or yeast infections.
Hhahahaha…oh, I haven’t the internet for awhile (moved), and it was ncie to read your blog again! keep it up!
ANAL LEAKAGE! Unbelievable! Remember about, like, 10 years ago, they had that, like, non-fat OIL–which I think they still have–called, like, Oriola, or something, and it was hailed as this WONDER oil, that would make everything fried not only oily-delicious BUT relatively not unhealthy for you? And the ONLY problem with it was that its primary side-effect was ANAL LEAKAGE??
I remember looking at these chips–I think they were Ruffles–made with that stuff, and the chips, somehow, were called “WOW!”
As in, I guessed, “Wow! These chips are DELICIOUS!” And then, “WOW! I’m never leaving the house without underwear on again!”
Who could POSSIBLY enjoy a snack knowing doing so might result in ANAL LEAKAGE? I remember reading the small print on that pototo chip bag, and thinking, “You know, it doesn’t matter how small you print the words ‘anal leakage” on a package of food. It still really jumps off the ol’ bag at you.”
I always thought they should have printed on the bag of those chips something like, “Enjoy these yummy chips! But while doing so never, ever sneeze. Or laugh. Or cough. EVER. Enjoy!”
Oh, I got carried away, and forgot to say, “Hi, Jill! Thanks for … coming back!”
So. Hi, Jill! Thanks for coming back!
Or with a little marketing they could have pointed out that the shiny foil (waterproof) bag could double as a diaper after you’d eaten the chips. Wow!!! Yummy and practical!
What an insidious diet plan: you lose weight by having your food shoot through you like a seal through a walrus. That’s like promising to help you lose weight by marketing a drug that makes your limbs fall off.
Oh, one more thing, while we’re talking about “sudden urges and the inability to stop them”… the problem with Gary Coleman was not in the timing, that was fine. It’s just kind of an outdated reference. I mean, c’mon, how much is Gary Coleman on anymore (other than “The Surreal Life”). You’d have done better to pick a more current annoying actron: Paris Hilton was a good suggestion (though I must admit even Carrot Top is getting a bit on the dated side).
So, my suggestion for a blog entry: who is the current Gary Coleman?
I’m wondering something. Don’t we all, whether born before or after George Carlin, know what is implied by “leakage” and quietly chuckle to ourselves, or give our friend sitting next to us the elbow? I do, anyway. So I decided to make that my first word.
leakage
vitriolize
slough
mange (should be highly, highly illegal, even on the Animal Channel)
indefatigable
ulster
regurgitate
It IS too bad that multiple-word entries are illegal, because the “send no money now” one REALLY cracked me up! Great one, MA!
Yeah, “send no money now!” was outstanding. This list you did here, Tea, is extremely top-notch. (Man, “indefatigable” is fun to say.) SWEET!
Hey, In reference to the “last blog notification”, I forgot to say whatever it is I’m supposed to say if I want to know when you post a new blog. I think I’m supposed to say, “Yes”, right? Not “No, I want to know when you post a new blog”, right? I obviously wasn’t really sure. But I think you know what to do. Thanks!
OK…I have to ‘fess up. I read what you said about indefatigable being fun to say. That’s my problem! I’ve never actually known how to say it! I’ve endeavored to learn at different times, and always get stuck by about the fourth syllable. By the time I get to the fourth syllable, I forget how to say the “in-de” part (not really). Perhaps I can say it slowly (perhaps!) but not quickly. So I felt I should probably admit that I have a hidden agenda on that one.
HAHA!!
It’s: en-dah-FAT-ig-a-bl
The trick is to say the first three sentences slowly–though faster with each one–and then, once you’ve BANGED the “fat,” you race real quick through the rest of it. You say “FATigable” so fast that by the time you’re on the “ga” it sounds like you’re speaking a foreign language.
That’s it. I love it. TOTALLY impresses people.
Does “sentence” = “syllable” in Shore-speak?
right. sorry. i meant ” … the first three SYLLABLES…” But you knew that.
It makes sense in context, but having “banged the fat” strung together in sequence ought to be illegal too (see John’s last comment). Sounds like Teamsters’ Appreciation Day at the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet or a new Richard Simmons workout program.
OMG….my stomach is hurting! You’ve gotta stop!
apologies for this on the wrong page,,, but it doesn’t really bother me if truth be known,,, my point is my point.
being a believer, church member (again after 40 years), and personal friend of many old fundamentally stubborn people who remain (non believers, etc.) it is my personal belief that almost “all” of them believe. they just don’t believe in “your belief” and they don’t want you to tell them how or what to believe in.
GOD save me from your rightous followers. please.
I think we should add
Period
Feminine Itching
Cialis
Paris Hilton
think we should add
Period
Feminine Itching
Cialis
Paris Hilton
and
Larry H Parker
snuck
It ain’t a word.
I don’t think there are any words left that are not allowed on TV! I think that the producers must have a rule that scripts have to include a minimum number of obscenities per minute. As annoying as ads for feminine products and male enhancements are, I am appalled at the language that has become acceptable for the public airwaves. I am especially offended by the constant use of God’s name - the God I know doesn’t appreciate having His name used as an expression. I think He is pretty adament about it - He wrote it in stone!
John,
This looks like the most appropriate place I can find to mourn George Carlin (CNN won’t take my comment for some reason).
I’ll miss him, sort of, though I hadn’t seen him around last couple of years.
Wondering where his heirs will put all his stuff, though.
-Sam