In his personal ad, this man wrote that he would like to “just get away, and see more of the world.”
These days many single people rely on personal ads as a way of having something else to laugh at once they’re done reading the comics. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? Once the initial yuks have passed, a lot of people keep right on reading the physical descriptions, likes, and dislikes of people they don’t know. And they do it for one simple reason: It feels like they’re reading someone else’s diary.
But of course, there are other reasons to read personal ads. For one, they reaffirm the truth that every American has the inalienable, God-given right to have others read stuff about them in the paper. More importantly, it’s hard to meet potential mates when you’re single. Where do you have time to meet anyone besides at work? And you can’t date people you work with, because if you do it’s only a matter of time before you have to break into your place of employment in the middle of the night and smash all the pictures that person keeps on their desk. And sure, your friends could introduce you to people they work with–but then you’d only have to break into their place of employment in the middle of the night. And then they’d have to pretend like they can’t pick you out of a police line-up. And then they always end up blaming their nervous breakdown on you. It’s just not worth it.
And that’s why we have personal ads.
The problem with personal ads, of course, is that they’re just that: Ads. They’re made to sell. And just as no used car dealer would ever run an ad saying anything like, “Runs okay. Only makes right turns,” no person is ever going to run a personal ad saying anything like, “I call my mother four times a day. I also often tickle my own nose hair with my tongue.” Forget it. Never happen.
But there’s hope! If you’re a single woman thinking of using personal ads as a way of meeting eligible bachelors, I can help you decipher the real meaning behind some of the euphemistic words men often use to describe themselves in such ads.
I shouldn’t do it; I shouldn’t betray my fellow men in this way.
Oh, what the heck. They’ll get over it.
Below are some words men often use in personal ads to describe themselves. I’m not saying these words always mean what I’m here suggesting they might. I’m simply saying that they might.
“Outgoing” for instance, just might mean “recently evicted.”
“Self-assured”? Could mean “narcissistic.”
“Loves conversation?” “You couldn’t shut me up with a muzzle and a stun gun.”
In general, when you read the first word below, think of what comes after it.
“Active.” Manic.
“Sensitive.” Severe allergies.
“Easy going.” Passive-aggressive.
“Caring.” Smothering.
“Devoted.” Stalker.
“Understanding.” Condescending.
“Athletic.” Lives in sweats.
“Relaxed.” Slob.
“Cuddly.” Will sit on you.
“Quiet.” Dangerous.
“Resourceful.” Broke.
“Family-oriented.” Lives with mother
“Loves films.” Loves popcorn.
“Crazy.” Crazy.
“Book lover.” Insomniac.
“Independent.” Incapable of commitment.
“Career-oriented.” Boring.
“Loves conversation.” Had TV repossessed.
“Great sense of humor!” Not unless ad’s funny.
“Likes to travel.” Wanted by law.
“Super-confident.” Super on steroids.
“Loves good wine.” Wino.
“Intellectual.” Wino.
“Art lover.” Pretentious wino.
“Effervescent.” May have to kill.
“Whimsical.” Unpredictable.
“Unpredictable.” Psychotic.
“Low maintenance.” Can’t get off couch.
“Enjoys outdoors.” Homeless.
“Divorced.” Obsessed.
“Many interests.” Has cable.
“Stable.” Medicated.
“Love dogs.” Has fleas.
“Love cats.” Has intimacy issues.
LOL..that gave me a good laugh! I have tried the whole internet-dating thing and for me, it just was not conducive to a good relationship. I agree with the whole “car salesman” thing. (And it goes both ways). Of course it’s a rare situation that anyone would put down the nitty-gritty. And I get into trouble with friends because sometimes my email “tone” doesn’t sound “nice”; unless you already know the person, email/internet can be such a difficult way to get to know somebody. (Not saying it can’t happen). But thanks for the laugh…I hope someone does one about us girls. We can sure be a lot of “fun”.
Yeah, my wife said I now have to do one for women. I’m not sure I dare…!
Ha!!! You made me nearly choke on my coke!!! LOL
These are pretty good… On a personal note, Hunky Hubby and I met on Crosswalk (in a chat room) several years ago… We were married just six months later! (Not that our relationship isn’t great — it’s TERRIFIC, but I don’t recommend that kind of dating for normal dating. There really are some bad news people out there… Can you say, “stalkers?” Our relationship just happened to be a GOD THING.)
Btw… Good news on his cancer situation… His pathology report came back with great news and things are looking a lot more like they are in our favor now… He’s not out of the woods yet by any means, but God did some amazing things, and we really appreciate all of your prayers.
Man, that is AWESOME about your HH’s pathology report. Fantastic. I’m just now dealing with some cancer issues relative to some folks in my own life, and I know what a DREAM a good path report is. Lovely. We’ll keep praying, Elizabeth.
Also, I’m begging you: Stop doing coke. (Joke. This is a joke.)
Ummm… For the record… It was the kind that can come OUT of your nose when you LAUGH (as in soda, pop, whatever you wanna call it — I’m from the South, so any kind of soda is known as a “Coke” - as in what kinda “Coke” do you want — Coke, Pepsi, diet, lemon/lime whatever) — NOT the powdery white kind that you put up your nose… LOL ( Believe it or not, I wondered if someone would think that’s what I meant!)
Hey Elizabeth,
I’m also glad to hear about the more positive news on your hubby’s path report… Praise God!
BTW, there’s another good kind of coke… and it’s for smoking…
but not by people. It’s the coke derived from coal and used in the production of pig iron which we use in the manufacture of steel.
It’s much more humane to use coke rather than Brazilian charcoal produced in slavery like conditions and which goes into the pig iron “…purchased by brokers, sold to steelmakers and foundries and then purchased by some of the world’s largest companies for use in cars, tractors, sinks and refrigerators made for U.S. consumers…” (including General Motors, Kohler, Toyota and Whirlpool).
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/marketsmag/modern_slavery1.html
Jesus and Peter were familiar with charcoal fires ( John 18 - Peter denies Jesus after His arrest; John 21- the fish on the charcoal fire after the Resurrection).
Pray for the Brazilian charcoal workers and their plight. Pray for the coke to smoke instead of the charcoal.
Hi
LOL…more LOL as i scrolled down. there’s nothing like great humour when you’re flagging around 3pm in the afternoon and SOOO not just in the mood for anything else… this is one fantastic article. funnily enough, i’ve just started emailing a bloke (british english for ‘guy’) i met on a christian dating website 2 months ago (we haven’t met btw). find myself looking forward to his emails (err… more like ‘check email’ every 15 mins) and hoping and praying that HE might be the one. sad? yes… desperate?…yes (not ashamed to admit this online haha)… lonely? sometimes…need a new friend?…oh yes pls…. need to get a life?ABSOLUTELY….. having said that, i find my new e-pal to be quite ‘cute’. he loves kids, teaches 6 year olds, composes worship songs, does a bit of painting and is now travelling the world as we speak. err John, does that mean he’s running? haha
but the one main thing i love about this bloke is that he’s admitted to loving the Lord all the way and would love to meet a girl (dream dream dream) to share his life with around godly principles… awww
all i can say is i’ll give this a go and pray hard - to all of you reading this, please pray that my new e-pal and i will find ourselves the perfect soulmate (may not be each other) that God’s blessed us with.
ciao
Although I found this article to be funny, its also a little sad that we are looking for “the catch” whenever anything sounds attractive. How do you really know the person who says “athletic” lives in sweats. Maybe they run marathons and body build. The truth is, we’re into a very dangerous line of thinking that leaves people disconnected and lonely. Maybe we should repent of our cynacism and actually give people a chance.
Jojo: Interesting stuff! Write us and tell us how it goes with Mr. Internet!! (How is it that he’s traveling the world? What does he do?)
Kyle: You know, it’s specifically because of your concern that I made sure to include in the piece this sentence:
“I’m not saying these words ALWAYS mean what I’m here suggesting they might. I’m simply saying that they might.”
So (believe me) I’m with you on the idea that while humor is a beautiful thing, being MEAN never is.
I can’t even begin to tell you what it’s meant in my life to A: Be a “humorist,” B: Choose to be a humorist in PRINT, which is a form for humor pretty much NO ONE ever chooses, when Hollywood pays so much for any kind of consistent humor at all, and C: Be a humorist in print who doesn’t ground his humor where 99% of all humor is grounded, which is at the expense of another.
And THEN I became a Christian. So then I lost the whole, ever-bountiful subject of SEX as humor. Suddenly all my jokes had to be AMISH clean.
Man. As I say, I can’t even BEGIN to tell you …
It’s been great though. Having to hone away from ANYTHING … unAmish has actually served to sharpen … what I do.
Anyway, good thought–and one about which I myself am very sensitive. Thanks for sharing it.
Too funny. Now you make want to go and look at some dating sites just for fun. As we say here in Africa, and which doesn’t translate well into English, “may the bad spirit of having fun at others expense be defeated!” (Joking)
Oh, my goodness! Some of these put me in stitches! I laughed as I thought about reading these to the man whom I’ve recently started getting to know all over again, and whom I dated 30 years ago in high school. I wonder what his reaction would be? I think he would get a great laugh out of it, too.
What was my reaction? I laughed pretty hard at most, as I said, but said, “Oooohhhh” to the ones about Bipolar Disorder….kind of hits close to home, unfortunately. But no offense taken. I love this website. It is THE website I use for reference (that’s what brought me here today, in fact!).
Bipolar disorder?
Yeah, the ones about manic (specifically Bipolar) and psychotic (much broader range), though I did not mean to imply that you were specifically referring to Bipolar. It did sound like that that from what I wrote, so it is my turn to say, “My bad”.
No, no–I totally understand where you’re coming from. And it’s good you’re so sensitive to the topic. I, too, am extremely sensitive to all issues of extraordinary psychological dysfunction. We’ve had some … well, too much pain in our own lives over specifically bipolar disorder, and it’s a constant factor with the population my wife works with at her nonprofit organization.
I am laughing so hard. LOL! The majority of these are true.
Unfortunately, I would say I am what they call “overly sensitive” to the stigma that still exists concerning mental illness, even when none is intended. “Pain” from mental illness is correct! It goes right through the family. Perhaps it’s not always true, but we have found Bipolar to be successfully manageable, once the person comes to terms with it. I hope your family has found this to be true as well. Cool, and many blessings!
So I decided to go back and read some of these personal ad lines again. My favorite is “Loves dog.” Has fleas. HAHA!
Also, in my first blog, I said that I was thinking about reading these to a guy that I am getting to know all over again after dating him 30 years ago in high school. Since then, I have thought better of it. I’m thinking he would miss the humor of it and would wax philosophical on me. Oh, dear….I just don’t think I could stand that. I have my own thoughts about this (this is good!), but any thoughts about the type of guy who does find these funny and the type who does not?
Um. Yes. Being the guy who WROTE the stuff in question–and, worse, being a guy whose, like, whole LIFE is largely supported by and informed by humor–my personal, humble, extremely limited, for-sure-not-worth-paying-any-attention-to-at-all advice would be to LOSE any guy with whom you would hesitate to share anything you found funny (or certainly anything you found funny that’s as innocuous as THIS innocent stuff).
How can you be with a guy who responds to something you think is funny by “waxing philosophical.” SOMEONE could be with that guy–but it sure doesn’t sound to me like that someone is you.
Well, that was … obnoxiously opionated of me.
Cool! If you can’t have opinions on other people’s lives, what’s the point of … KNOWING other people?
Yes, I did. Lose him, I mean. Actually we lost each other, I think, but not totally sure. He and I were never a defined “we” since we live 1,100 miles apart and considerably disagree on “we” doctrines anyway. That was quickly evident to the “me” part of this non-defined we. So I just kept listening. He, on the other hand, kept trying to put his theological foot in his mouth…and he did a good job (of course that’s MY obnoxious opinion about HIS life)!
So I am thankful for being the age I am now, since when I was in high school I was SO unable to have my own opinion about anything.
From your last little ditty on guys (”Loves Christ.” There’s real hope.), I was just remembering what I have on a profile of mine at a high school site for “a perfect mate”: loves Jesus and loves to laugh.
That’s what I want. Otherwise, I’m content with being with me.
Cool. So you want a Christian fanatic with a tickling fetish. Okay. People, let’s help Teacup out!
Ark.
Nice note, though. Thanks very much for it. And you’re right about the goodness of acquired wisdom. For all of its weird side-effects, I wouldn’t trade a day of my age for all the tea in … someplace where tea’s worth a lot of money.
Borother John,
You are such a hoot at times, yeah your right those ads are deceptive at best.After eight years of a very bad first marriage, i decided to let God chose the right Soulmate for me through prayer and a willing spirit. He did, he brought her to my front door, she had car trouble, i fixed it. the rest is history, we have been together for 26 years now, the thing is i knew her from when she was like five yrs old up. Our youngest child is twenty two months old, when he was born our youngest then was twenty and we have four grandchildren. My wife and i prayed for a son, now we have him, and he is all boy,i will soon be 52, there is a reason for everything, you just never know. thanks john, your a hoot.-Harv.
you… are going to make me seem like a nutcase in my classes.
I tihnk laughing silently to ones self infront of a computer screen while others are around and not knowing what oyu’re reading makes someone seem extremely psycho and crazy.
After a long day, I was looking for some Godly inspiration or a good laugh tonight and got both from your article. The inspiration, u might ask?? Confirming my resolve not to look for future mate online. I know it’s right for some people but not my style. This was fully LOL. Thanks! :]